Mirror, Mirror on the Wall...

We are officially two weeks Post Op and things are BETTER THAN EVER... said no one in this household.

 

I am so thankful and grateful and appreciative and relieved and happy and all things good and rainbowie and unicornie about Andies surgery being successful and OVER. My little girl is fixed, and to describe the thoughts and feelings of that is impossible.

 

...............................BUT..........................................

 

We have a serious issue in this house that we must discuss. A baby not sleeping at night and not napping. The issue of my little girl, becoming THAT little girl that you see in the grocery store, screaming and stomping and throwing a tantrum. Yes Sir, that is Andie. I choose to be that parent who notices there is a problem, and to fix it before it gets out of control. Sure, she is just 6 months, but kids are SOOOO smart. They train us from day one, don't get it twisted.

 

Camden has been everything AMAZING as a baby, and he is starting to find himself as he ages, and we are also working on two alpha redheads living in the same house. That in itself is a whole OTHER story.

 

Camden spoiled me. Hands down, best scenario I could have hoped for when it comes to a baby. When people tell you that all kids are different, believe them. I didn't, I thought it was my amazing parenting skills that made Camden awesome. Meaning that every kid I would birth would be amazing because I was the mother and my hubs was the father.... NAAAA-OOPE! Lets be realistic. He was in daycare, I worked and he was parented by us for about 3 hours a night. Definitely was not us. Now that I stay home with my adorable little people, my experiment has proved that the problem is ME.

 

something has to change.

 

Have you ever looked in the mirror, desperately searching for answers within that piece of glass. I've done it a few times in my life. When I was trying to pump myself up for cheer try-outs, when I didn't understand why my boyfriend broke up with me, when I couldn't believe this is what 20 something looks like, when I was trying to figure out HOW I was going to be a mom, and then just recently, when I stared into my mirror, wondering how I got HERE. Here as in: a T-shirt, hair up, no make-up, tired, circles under my eyes, 1 Bachelors Degree and 1 Masters Degree not being used, a kid screaming, another baby refusing to sleep, a dog going bat shit crazy. I just stared and stared and wanted to know HOW in the WORLD did I let my life get out of control.

 

Then I realized, I could change this mess. I love being home with my kids, like with any job, I have to learn the ropes of doing it well. After time, Ill learn how to be a GOOD/GREAT stay at home mom, just like I had to learn how to be a decent teacher and counselor. To be honest, I am toying with the idea of going back to work. There are so many emotions that are tied to this decision. We will table that for another day.

 

The common denominator of all my issues and thoughts right now are that I am getting ZERO time for myself because my child will not sleep and my other kid, well he is 2. And we aren't allowed to go anywhere fun because Andie just had open heart surgery. So one mom skill at a time, I am going to master it and make our life better. here at the house. No one is happy in this house right now. Sure we are functioning, and laughing, but its unbalanced and not wholesome. Does this make sense?

 

So I asked, Mirror, Mirror on the Wall...how do I make this better... and you know what she did? She slapped my across the face and said.. STOP BEING LAZY AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT STOP COMPLAINING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

so I did.. I went to the almighty Facebook and called on my friends... I even prayed.. legit prayed and begged.. (that's another post.. me and the mans relationship..)... Those of you getting ready to have your first kid, or those of you who are on your 5th kid.. call on your mom friends. No mom is too seasoned to not need advice from friends. Without mine, I would be in the fetal position drinking a bottle of wine, hiding in my closet every night.

I am a person who needs things written out, step-by-step for me. Tons of friends sent me their kiddos schedules, with timed increments on when to go check on Andie. For that I will forever owe you candy!! Just when I thought I trained her, she trained me into ANOTHER problem.. the paci. UGH, whatever, Andie! So a friend, who is a Facebook friend (I have not met her, YET!) sent me a beautiful book. It has the SCIENCE behind how to sleep train, the pros, the cons, the variables, EVERYTHING. For a Science person, this was an early Christmas present.

We are on day one of the "Sleep Easy Solution", and my baby is napping. Napping exactly like the book described. I could see the results as they unfolded..It is a beautiful thing.

 

Hopefully, after all this madness is gone, I can write another post talking about how I sleep trained my kid. Those of you who have done this before me, you know how awesome it feels when your kid finally gives up and surrenders their sleep strike.

 

fingers crossed that she is finally learning who is the boss 'round here.

 

xo

Megs

Dear Andie

Dear Andie,
Tomorrow is the day that we will finally be able to fix your first broken heart. We tried to have surgery three weeks ago, but you were sick and they called it off. Andie, I am a believer that certain situations call for a perfect alignment of the stars, and that day sweetie, your stars weren't aligned. I am so happy and relieved that your daddy and I were able to bring you home and get you healthy so you can go into surgery with a fair fight.
Girl, you have been such a fighter since you were born. They told us you would have a hard time eating, gaining weight, and would be weak. You proved them wrong in all aspects. It's always been on your terms, and I am confident that you will continue to take control of your young little life as you go through an experience that majority of people in the world will not experience. You are exceptional.
It's hard to believe that one inch under your skin, my perfect little baby, has a huge issue. An issue that threatens your life, your health and your happiness, yet you choose to keep fighting. I've noticed that as you grow, it's hard for your body to keep up as it used to, but you just keep smiling and trucking along until you fall asleep.
Andie, you are strong and fearless. Please know that when the wonderful nurses and doctors take you back to fix you, it will be the hardest thing that your daddy and I will have done in our lives. You may be scared, because they are unfamiliar faces, but don't worry, sweet girl, it will all be ok. Try to be brave, and mommy and daddy will be waiting for you when it's all over.
When I was younger, I used to call the shots, and obviously God gave me you to take my need for control away because we have a new queen in town. I am certain that you and I were meant for each other, you are indeed a gift from above.
My sweet angel, you should be so proud of all the lives you have touched in the 6 months you have been here on this earth. You have a kindness about you that is genuine and soft. So many people care and worry about you and are rooting for you tomorrow. At such a young age I can tell that you are kindhearted like your dad and feisty like your mom.

Tomorrow the doctors will fix you, and in a week or two we can bring you home, where we can all be a family again. Andie, I look forward to taking you to the park where I won't worry if you get sick, or going an entire week without seeing or hearing from a doctor. I promise to not leave your side until I know you are safe and ok.

Baby girl, if you get scared think of happy thoughts and how much your daddy, mommy, brother and doggie love you.

Love you so very very much.
Mommy







Friends and family: please if you have a moment please say a prayer or a happy thought for Andie. Although we are confident, we are absolutely terrified. I can only speak for myself, and I know I'm so scared. She seems so healthy now, and that makes it difficult to hand her over considering the complications that could take place. Nevertheless, she needs the surgery and we need your love and support. Strangers, family and friends...Travis and I thank you from the bottom of our hearts for your love and words of comfort that you have provided. We love you all and love that you love our baby girl. I will keep you updated tomorrow via our caring bridge site and will post that tomorrow again on Facebook. Surgery stuff starts at 6 am and we are scheduled for 7 hours.



Goodnight and Go Colts!
Xo
Megs

Content

Today could not have been more perfect. I woke up at 6 am to find my husband downstairs in his recliner when he was supposed to be hunting. He had coffee going, and the fire place lit. For some strange reason, it felt like Christmas morning. Today was the last day that the four of us could hang out as our little family until seester comes home. We chose to wear our pajamas all day, eat candy corn and lay on the floor playing cars. No one yelled, no one cried, it was awesome.
Travis was exceptionally hilarious, helpful and loving today. He climbed into Camden's crib to read him stories, cleaned the dishwasher, made lunch, loved our kids, and made me laugh and feel like we were dating again.
As many of you know, T and I have been through a lot of things this past year. More than I would have expected to go through before I was 40. Selling our home, being apart, getting pregnant, finding out our baby had downs, finding out she didn't, raising a two year old, getting a masters degree, quitting jobs, leaving friends, moving, buying a house, jumping into the family business, having a baby, financial hardships, and preparing for surgery. Since we have been through so much, we have been hard pressed to find time to date or to have light hearted conversation. Today was the day! It just seemed to work again. It was amazing and needed.

Monday is the day that we've been worrying about since November 16, 2012 when our lives changed forever. It seems like a lifetime ago when that Doctor told me and convinced me that my daughter would have a very hard life ahead of her. I would have never thought that we would be fixing her just 27 days shy of a year. I'm not naive and know that we are not out of the woods yet, and that my friends, makes my heart uneasy.

But tonight, I'm going to remember how awesome today was, and how it felt to not have a care in the world for the first time in almost a year. Drink a glass of wine with my husband and not care about the toys thrown around the house, or if I remembered to give Andie her medicine (which I did), or what doctors appts we have this week, or if Trav has socks for work. Instead I am going to sit here and just breathe ....with my best friend beside me, feeling content in this moment.

Xo
Meaghan

I present to you...The Class of 2003

10 years? Really? I could not believe my ears when I heard that for the first time. Now, the reunion is this weekend. Sadly, I will not be in attendance. It crushes me to know that I won't be there catching up, especially since I haven't lived in O'Fallon since I left in 2003😥. Sure, I hung out there a lot, but living and visiting isn't the same.

I consider myself as one being classified as "Suzie High School". I participated in spirit week, athletics, parties, and tried to know as many people as possible, all while trying to figure my life out. Of course, I made some bad decisions, but over all, I feel like those four years were really productive.

I remember walking down those halls the first day of high school. Wandering aimlessly down the 500 hall and then ending up in the 600 hall...but couldn't find 900 hall? Ugh. The Stress!!!!

At the time i didn't realize what wonderful teachers I had, and how I would model my teaching from them. I remember Mr. Sitze and how he looked like Santa- but how far from jolly he was, yet one of my favorite teachers, ever. My favorite lesson he taught was the one with the Country song, "the dance". Señora Grogan, a family friend, who taught me Spanish, and made sure I was better than my dad was, when she had him 20 years prior. Still to this day, I feel accomplished when I can translate bits and pieces of Español and I still crave the spanish chocolate she sold in her classroom. I don't remember much about Mr. Cordon's class, other than I was scared to get up and talk and that he was profound..oh..and to never get on his bad side. International Issues was one of my favorite classes for many reasons. The teacher, Mr. Bickel was amazing and is still outstanding in his current role, as principal. I learned a lesson in this class, a hard lesson. I remember a student who was heavy and they fell out of their chair while we were all getting new seats one day. Many students laughed, and I remember wanting to crawl in a hole for them and to scoop them up... I didn't. I'm ashamed. When I taught, I would use this experience to teach my students to take care of each other, because I couldn't imagine what that student must have felt that day being alone in an embarrassing circumstance. On September 11, I was sitting in Mr. Day's class when the twin towers went down. He rolled in a TV on a cart and plugged it in. We all sat there stunned, with no idea how that day would impact our lives..still....10 years later. Mrs. Wilmore's class is where I decided I wanted to be a science teacher and Mrs. Hughes's class is where my great guy friend, Chris, ate a goldfish and then was immediately pink slipped...haha. Mr. Toler eating chalk...and Mrs. Cotts breaking the news to Sarah and I that there was no such thing as Prince Charming.

The football games, the basketball games, running to the tracks and back, walking from the back parking lot, bus rides to and from games, lunch hour, fruitopia and Cheetos, Channel One.. I can still remember it like it was yesterday.

Well classmates that will be there, and those that won't...I miss you. I wish you all the best, and am proud of what you've accomplished. I hope you have fond memories of me, or the classes that we took together. Those whom I didn't get to know very well, shame on me. I'm sure I'm the one missing out. Maybe at our 20 year ill be able to come and have a beer with you, legally..this time 😉

Have a great time this weekend!

Cheers,
Meaghan

To unload the cart, or not unload the cart? That is the question.

Well friends, a lot has gone down since I wrote you last. Tons of ups and some downs, but hey, that's life right?
I remember being a kid and thinking I can't wait to grow up because it would be so easy to just go to work... Well young Meaghan, you're an idiot. The old Meaghan doesn't even "work" anymore and I'd pay a fair amount of money to go back to those days...for a little while.
Since I've been home with two kids now I've learned a lot about myself. Some things are pretty cool, while others embarrass me. Having two kids is difficult to have a spur of the moment trip. Most of the time it's too much hassle to get both kids packed up to just run somewhere. Sucks for me. Stuck in the house is NO BUENO! (Señora Grogan...proud?) but sometimes I push the issue, grab the pacifiers and off we go.

Things that have surfaced as a result of having a new baby and a toddler:

1. I'm a yeller. Not a trashy yeller that we've all seen at Wal-Mart, but Camden pushes my buttons and I try and use my teacher skills and he plain IGNORES me. The nerrrrrrve. Exhibit A: he will walk over to the swing that his sister is in and act all sweet....start rocking her, slowly. I tell him to be gentle, giving him some praise for being a sweet boy, and then he rocks faster, faster, I say things like, "Camden thank you, but that's enough" "Camden please stop" "Camden NO", and then it happens.. Hyperspeed Rocking and then I flip my lid. He clearly knows what he is doing. He reminds me of an addict that binges because they know they are going to get busted anyways. Go big or go home perhaps... Crap. I think I remember saying those exact words as I snuck out of my parents house as a teenager.. Karma?

2. It is possible to shower everyday in peace. I have scheduled that time in for myself. Score! I even do my hair and make up, just so I feel decent. However, by 5 my make up is running down my face, I have barf on my shirt, and my hair is in a messy bun because Camden will pull it if its down. Travis says he can tell how the kids were by how high and frazzled my bun is at 530 when he gets home.

3. Kids are loud. Duh right? Sometimes I'll have a moment where I remove myself by forcing myself to be deaf and ignore the crazy that surrounds me. That's usually when my dog and I make eye contact and we both know that we have reached crazy town, town of four. Then I usually dream of beaches, and margaritas and look at the clock to see how much longer until nap time.

4. I love nap time now, more than I did in college. True story.

5. I speak toddler. It's a weird realization as a mom when you translate your kids random talk into a sentence that actually does make sense. The first time you do it it's a weird feeling. I didn't know if I should be proud or ashamed... It's kind of like translating my drunk friends speech when I was DD for the night in college.

6. Having two kids is totally hectic. I had my post partum appt last week to make sure I'm all back to normal and such. It's weird to think that I've made it almost 6 weeks. I remember being home that first week and not imagining that anyone would make it out alive. Well, we are still kicking.

7. Travis and I both have decided that we are not baby people. Probably not that nicest thing to admit, but each stage, I say "this is my favorite" as they both grow. New moms, it's ok to not enjoy the baby stage, the barfy, the newborn cry (yes it's a specific cry), the bird seed poops, the blow outs, the mood swings, the inability for them to do anything but have gas smiles as they fill their pants. It's a very hard time. I'm not a new mom and my second was just as "new" as the first. What's not ok, is to not love your baby, there is a difference between, not enjoying the stage, and not enjoying your baby.

8. I still doubt myself. One would think that since this isn't my first rodeo that I'm all expert. NO- I still read the same books for reference, visit the same websites, and ask my friends questions. Each kid is different, and trust me... You forget EVeRyThInG! Well except how to hold them, and love them. At the end of the day, babies are super resilient, and they will be fine as long as you change their diaper, kiss their forehead, feed and hold them. Trust me, and remember that on hard days. (I'm writing this for myself to reread as I dance between the fine line of insanity and sanity)

9. I have finally realized that it is in fact YOUR child and you don't need to justify why you do certain things. Camden is nearly two, Andie nearly 6 weeks, and I'm just now able to feel comfortable saying that. Sadly, your baby is judged and held to certain standards the second they are born. If you aren't confident, neither will the baby. So stand tall in what you do. If you want to use pampers, Huggies or target brand diapers, that's your choice. If you want to put bows on your baby's head every day, perfect. If you want to put your baby in the crib right away, awesome! If you want to give your kid formula instead of breast milk, hey.. That's alright. All this came to make sense while we were at the park. I watched my kid run around and play the same way, and do the same things as others, regardless of the things mentioned above.... And then he licked the monkey bars. Just kidding. Maybe.... :) each mom just wants their kid to be happy and that is fantastic.

10. Shopping is hard. I'm struggling with how to unload the cart. Do I put the kids in the car first, or unload first? Do I put the baby in first? Or the toddler? It's all a big mind screw.

11. When I'm in public looking at other moms, I wonder if they are all experiencing the same things I am? Do they sometimes think that there is no way they will make it 5 more minutes? Do they feed their toddler peanut butter and crackers for dinner because that will keep him quiet for 4 seconds? Or do they really have it together?

12. I miss date night. Travis and I made time for us when it was just Camden. Now with two, it way different. We have about 45 minutes alone to talk about adult things before the little one wakes up to begin her 2 hours of crying a night. I miss my boyfriend.

13. It does get easier. I have to write that down because I need to look at Camden and realize he wasn't always leprechauns and lucky charms. Well actually he was pretty close to always being awesome, but nevertheless, it will get a tad easier... This first month of two has kicked my butt.

Bring it on, only 17 years and 11 months to go :)

If anyone has solutions or comments, or thoughts on my "worries" do share.

Happy Memorial Day weekend peeps!

Hugs,
Megs

I like BIG Butts and I cannot Lie!

Part 2
So we woke up on Tuesday morning to my nurse, Thelsa, and all the doctors that I had been in contact with. Once again all the kids followed the doctors who were legit and then they began pushing birth control again... I'm not kidding. It was getting kind of ridiculous. To shut them up I said, give me the pill and finally.... Some peace and quiet.

At this point, it was still Travis and I in the room. Andie was still in the NICU. We had breakfast and we went down to see baby girl. I finally had my pee bag and medicine drop machine removed and I was a free woman.

As I'm writing this, I'm trying to piece it all together and its becoming a blur. Travis went home that afternoon and my mom and grandmas came by to visit. While they were there, the nurses told us that Andie was able to come stay in my room with me because she no longer needed the NICU. It was the most wonderful news I had heard. So we walked down and got her.

Travis went back to work that Wednesday so I was alone in the hospital with Andie, Tuesday-Thursday. It wasn't that bad. But I started bad habits while it was just us- sleeping in bed with me, watching TV all night, eating chips in bed. We were rebels. Since I had a cesarian it was difficult to get out of a hospital bed to get her so we improvised. My night nurse, Jackie, was awesome! When she would come to give me meds we would talk Bravo and we talked about her upcoming wedding. She was wonderful. She'd also take Andie for a couple hours while I'd sleep. Apparently, Andie was the only baby on our floor that wasn't up screaming all night.

The nights turned into days, that turned into nights. It was a long stay, alone, but needed. Camden needed his daddy and Trav drove back and forth until all of his family was taken care of. He's wonderful. He even had a houseful of his mother in law, and my two grandmas. What a guy!

So while I was alone I had to get stuff done on my own. A lot of funny things happened and only Andie and I were there for the awkwardness that ensued.

First stop-shower. Since it was me and her, I wheeled her bassinet into the bathroom and showered with the curtain open so that I could watch her. While in the shower, I had a Charlotte from SATC moment. Nooo I didn't poop myself, worse!!! I was washing my face and the bubbles from the soap got in my mouth because I was in heaven and let my mouth flop open and I started to choke... That's all fine and dandy until your reflex to cough kicks in. Coughing and csection is No GOODA! When you use any muscle in your tummy you need a pillow to push up against so you don't feel like your going to blow a gasket. Naked in the shower didn't lend itself for that. So needless to say I stood their choking, coughing and crying because I was panicked. After I coughed up my face wash I began to laugh about the nonsense that just happened.

Next- elephantitis. After you have a baby you swell. Heck, I'm ahead of the game and start swelling before. But nothing could prepare me for the swelling that a csection gives you. They pump you full of fluid before you have your surgery and then it hangs out with you for a week after. My thighs were huge, my butt was huger, and my knees and ankles were nonexistent. My maternity jeans didn't even fit. Embarrassing. The doc said "totally normal", "could last for weeks" and I said things like "DON'T YOU KNOW IT'S SUNDRESS SEASON?" And " IT'S ALMOST BATHING SUIT TIME". He told me to walk it out and that the walking would also help with the gas.....

The Gas----- we are all friends here, and we know that I've been known to toot every blue moon.......... Hehe

Well, after surgery you have trapped gas. It sucks. It's actually worse than the surgery pain. Not kidding. I ate gas pills like candy, and now I feed them to Travis :) I took my docs advice and went for a walk. I had horrid gas pains, so I threw on my tye dye dress and me and my big legs went for a walk, pushing Andie in her bassinet. We made lap after lap and I got that feeling.... Like oh god, keep it in... I tried to move as fast as I could back to my room but, alas, right before my room... Zerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp. I let her loose. Fail.

My belly felt better, but my legs were still big.

So my mom came to pick us up because Travis was dealing with an audit at work. Mom went to the garage to get the car and the nurses wheeled me and my baby to the curb with all our belongings....and we waited. And waited. And waited. I was convinced that I was the next "home is where the heart is" character, feeling like Natalie Portman I waited for my mom. Finally, she made it the circle drive and off we went...


So it all turns out ok in the end. The gas ends, the swelling ends, and love affair with a pillow ends.

Now my baby has explosive farts and a toddler with an explosive personality.
I have a whole post about that soon.
First week home alone with both kids begins tomorrow... Eik!

Hugs-
Megs

Babies, Meth Bugs, and Ice chips

Travis and I woke up early, both moms here to help with Camden. I watched everyone eat breakfast and drink their coffee. When you have a csection you can't eat anything after midnight the night before. Needless to say I was very jealous. This will also become a problem and obsession as the day progresses.

I couldn't sleep at all.. I got up to use the bathroom every 5 seconds and before I knew it... We were throwing our bags into the jeep to head to Indy. The drive was quiet. I wanted to throw up, but then I would have an even more empty stomach... Prego probs!

So we wheel our stuff into Labor and Delivery and they take us back to our holding area. It's 7 am and in 2 hours I'll have my baby girl. I'll know what we are dealing with and I can relax. Maybe..........
My delivery nurse was amazing. I hve been blessed with awesome nurses with both kids and I am convinced that's why my recoveries are always pretty positive. Erika gave me my IV which is the 1st fear I had for the day. I almost yarfed and she had to tilt me back and put ice packs on me. You know, childish stuff. I HATE IVS! Worst ever. So that was done. Check. When can I have ice chips? Not for a while.

Since I delivered at IU hospital I had all these kids playing doctor on me. It was fun and they were great. Best wishes to them. There one job was to push birth control on me. Literally. 5 mins before the csection.... Mrs. Krukemeier- do you want to have your tubes tied? No. Do you need information on the pill? No. Do you want an IUD implanted. No. And then me being me--- I said listen, I'm getting ready to have my csection in about 2.5 that's birth control enough..believe me... he wont be allowed to touch me for quite some time....Travis laughed and said.. She's right. So we got that squashed. Ugh. Can I have ice chips? No. I'm really thirsty..NO.

In the meantime we hear blood curdling screams next door. For a second I was happy I didn't have to go through labor, she sounded bad. Apparently she had spina bifida and that keeps you from getting an epidural, AND she was a teenager which makes her pain tolerance less than desirable. I asked questions and learned.. go me. Well this little miss wimped out and had an emergency csection and bumped me... 30 mins before I'm supposed to go in! RUDE! That meant I had to wait for ice chips... I was turning into a desert.

So we waited.. Waited (meaning longer time until I could drink) and finally Erika brought Trav his suit and booties and they took me back to the operating table. It was freezing, but I was sweating.. A lot. How embarrassing. I got my spinal (bee sting grade, not hornet like they said) and then I started to shake... A lot. Like a lot a lot. I did this with my epidural So I kept being non chalant... Yea it looks like I'm seizing but don't worry I'm fiiiiiiine. I started to Meaghan joke.. Laugh it off and then I got nauseous. Bad sick. I was like ughhh I'm gunna barf..kind of like when you've drank too much and your head is on the toilet seat... Classy Krukemeier. They put a urine tray in my face which is awful and kind of like a toilet seat. My arms were strapped down so I couldn't even hold the bucket. Thankfully I didn't need it... Because they put some awesomeness named Zofran in my IV. Travis came in and the doctor came in and all the kids and the party started. 1112 was when I got my spinal... I know this because I made a wish at 1111 and she was born at 1142 am. Travis rubbed my arm and my hand. Never taking his eye off me. I kept asking him if he's alright... I thought for sure he'd go down. I prayed and prayed for her to cry because if she did, I'd be able to see her. She didn't and off she went. The medicine doc looked over the sheet and said she's a big girl and she has a big butt :) god love her. I needed that.

Travis raced back to be with her, took pictures and then came back. We got updated almost every 2 mins. Her oxygen wasn't good so she got the breathing tubes and the NG tube.

They stitched me up and we all made small talk. I wasn't really listening. I wanted my baby. It was a weird feeling. I felt helpless, not happy, not relieved, but grateful and weirdly calm. They unhooked my arms and I reached for Travis. He felt good in my arms, next best thing besides my new baby.

ICE CHIP TIME....

Next, I went into recovery room to be monitored for 2 hours. This is where I made love to ice chips and scratched my face as if I had meth bugs because of the meds. I vaguely remember this. But I remember my dad literally running to my side and grabbing my arm telling me how proud he was. He was exactly what I needed at that moment. Everyone was freaking out about my shaking and my scratchy face, firing questions at me...dad has nervous humor too and he said, "at least they didn't give you a knife to eat your ice chips".... As they shook everywhere from my convulsions.. And from underneath all the crazy, was my sister in law that asked-- Meaghan how are you doing? I lied. I said I'm ok. I wasn't. I was falling into a bad dark place..

Sometime around 2 or 3pm I was able to meet my gorgeous daughter, Andie, through a glass box. I held her hand and told her I loved her. It was magical. I wanted to smell her but I was numb and couldn't move.



Then we got to our postpartum room. I met my next awesome nurse, Thelsa. She gave me juice and made sure I was comfy. As evening approached I worried about Andie and then the worry turned into tears. Everyone that I love surrounded me and they were celebrating and I began to cry. That mad, un-understanding cry. My dad asked- are you in pain. I said no. And then everyone knew... I sat there and cried for my child. I wanted her. I needed her. Everyone left and it was Travis and I. Shift change- Cindy came to take care of us and I asked if I could go see Andie. Travis had been with her all day and kept bringing me pictures and awesome updates but I wanted to see my baby!!! Cindy told me that if I could stop shaking she'd take me. Finally at 1 am she and Travis took me and my pee bag down to Special Care and I was able to hold my angel baby. Instantly I was in love. I didn't know this, but Travis waited to let me hold her first and as soon as he could he scooped her up. It was perfect. That's when I knew all was going to be ok. Travis and I sat in the dark NICU and held our baby and I was fixed. I know in that moment that I kicked postpartums grimy little butt and smiled for the first time in 14 hours.









Travis and I kissed and we kissed her and left her with her sweet nurse, Sarah, whose daughter has the same heart defect. We knew our daughter was safe and sound.

Part 2, Next.

35 Hours out... Is this Real Life?

I am unsure of the length that this post may be, so I will warn you now. If you are willing an able, hopefully you have a glass of moscato, or a skinny girl margarita in your hand while you read about my instability, it may make this experience more enjoyable for you. *sigh... wine and margaritas...

 

So a few weeks ago, I went to the doctor and my "doc" is all like I am leaving the country, but Ill schedule your csection for April the 8th, I probably wont ever see you again..maybe your baby will turn, Ill have you meet the surgeon who may do your csection...Peace. I wasn't scared at all, I knew she would flip, and sure enough she did. The next week, the nurse practitioner that I was seeing said that on the ultrasound baby was head down and she would cancel the csection... SWEET! Then yesterday I went in at 39 weeks and 5 days and found out that little miss was flipped again. I flipped my (_______) you know what! How did she flip? There is NO room? WHAT? are you sure?

 

At this point I went into weirdo mode and called everyone, informed them that she was coming on Monday the 15th at 9 am...I was quite bossy and I apologize for that. When a red head, a red head named Meaghan gets stressed, I turn into a... whats the animal that's mean as snot?

A honey badger?? No....A wolverine... ugh.. (another reason I don't like Michigan)

 

I am being tested and I don't like it. Do I have a choice, NO.. but it still doesn't mean that I have to like the situation. I am a pretty tough cookie and I can definitely dish it out, as well as take what I deserve, but this whole "Andie" situation has me shaking in my compression socks. More than one person has mentioned that she is a little me, and that I am getting my clone, etc. Maybe so, but she could have at least given it to me in small doses.

 

I follow a blog, www.modgblog.com, and I love her. She is super hippie and a little extreme for me, but nevertheless, she is hilarious and says stuff out loud that many of us wish we could say. She has had 2 cesareans, and complained about both of them because of her hippie ways, she wanted to have her kiddos all natural. god bless her for wanting that! She even almost didn't show up for her second csection because she wanted to have a VBAC and hated that fact she was being told what to do. I remember reading her post about how upset she was about this, and how it was so unfair that she couldn't bring her little girl into this world the way she wanted. I was so upset because her baby was HEALTHY and I had just found out that mine was not. This is even before we knew if she had downs, or x,y,z. I remember thinking to myself, how dare you... you have it sooo easy... and I am ashamed of those feelings now. A mother does find a calmness in the way that she would like her baby to enter the world. Unfortunately, being asleep, without pain, or without putting forth effort is not yet an option in this wonderful world of modern medicine. Ive said this once, Ive said it again, and I'm almost certain I will say it 100 more times, Andie has a plan for her life. A friend of mine told me not too long ago, maybe she knows EXACTLY what she is doing in there. Maybe there is a reason she is not following directions and doing what she is supposed to. Sure, Ill buy that. As I sit here and scour the Internet about csections (stupid Internet), yes I am scared, Yes it will hurt, Yes it will be fast, and YES i am slightly convinced Travis will pass out..... I have a sense of calmness that I haven't yet felt. About a month or so ago, I as a mom who has experienced the "ideal birth", received the worst news. I probably wouldn't be able to hold my baby after I gave birth to her because she would be taken to see the cardiologist and run through a plethora of tests, etc. This news rocked me, slapped me, kicked me in the stomach, and then knocked me down. Ill never forget the joy I felt as Camden was placed into my arms moments after I gave birth to him. It was the most awesome, fantastic feeling I had felt. The friend that told me, maybe she has plan, was not able to hold her first baby because she was premature, so she knows the hardship, the heartache, the worry that I have and will feel... and yesterday, after them scheduling my second csection, I couldn't agree more with her statement. In my heart, I think that little miss is trying to protect me from not being able to hold her. I think she wants to enter this world on her terms, and I think she wants to let me get put back together before we meet, because she knows that I am going to be worried sick about her. It might sound crazy, and trust me, I know pregnant people are nuts anyways, but I truly think she is being stubborn because she knows its best for us. She will be with her new best friend, her daddy, while she takes on the tests, and because I am having a csection, I wouldn't be allowed to hold her anyways. I think she knows how sad it would make me if I wasn't able to hold her after a "normal" delivery. I know that MANY people have csections and all their reasons are specific to them. This is why I think our story has taken this turn. Well at least its what I tell myself. :)

 (don't de-friend me.. I swear I'm not totally cuckoo... yet...)

 

So Travis is totally cool as a cucumber. I kind of want to be like... CAN YOU PLEASE JUST FREAK OUT WITH ME???? but then I don't. A Travis in distress is horrible. He gets super super quiet and its weird. I mean even more quiet than normal, folks. Hes been great to me this weekend and I love him for that, he even told me I looked skinny, Bless him. I am excited to write about the csection experience in regards to Travis, because last time, he used words like "Gross, Ewe, and OMG that Smells... (when you lose control... you know.....), is this over yet... and my favorite... AWW Buddy, you have red hair.. Its going to be OK.. (5 seconds after we all meet...). Travis thinks this is the "way to go", because its "easier" and "not gross". HELLO Mr. Deer Hunter.... how are you so sensitive??? I feel great knowing that he will be by my side during all this crazy that's about to happen.

**disclaimer**

I will knock him one if he passes out.

FOR REAL.

PERIOD!

 

I personally want to think ALL my friends close and not so close for being SOOOO helpful in preparing for this thing they call a CSECTION. Without your advice I would be lost.

Seriously, thank you!

 

 

 Tomorrow is our last day as a family of three. I just started crying typing that out. Camden gets WHATEVER he wants for breakfast, he is going to see horseys with his Dude and Mimi, and his Poppop, Chewie and Uncle Tommy will be here that evening, and even more grandmas/grandpas, aunts and uncles to come. We are blessed to have such wonderful people in our life to help us enter into our new family.

 

Hugs-

Meaghan

Grocery List gone Haywire

This post began as a grocery list as I sit on the couch with swollen feet, 39 weeks pregnant and a toddler that is sweeter than candy today. As I was writing my grocery I looked over to check on Camden and he was looking up at the TV fake singing to sesame street and dancing back and forth. What a happy baby. Yes. He will always be my baby.

I don't know if its because I know Andie will be here soon or what, but I'm noticing that my little guy is actually turning into a young boy. I am flooded with many many emotions as we near the end of our second pregnancy, which is probably our last. That's a whole other post about that craziness.

Andie was not planned, but as I have said before... She was given to us for a reason and we are SO excited to meet her. On the other side of the coin, did we jip Camden of being an only child for a little longer?

I found myself crying the other night because I realized he would never remember life as the three of us. He will never remember the nights that Travis and I just sat and watched him in awe or the mornings when Travis and I would both go into his room and wake him up because we were so excited to be with him. He has a hold of both our hearts and now I'm sad that he won't remember how much effort and love we put into him as our one and only. Is this insane??

I was an only child for 10 years and I remember all the memories of my childhood, but I also can't imagine not having my brother. He truly is a blessing to me, and I am confident that Camden will be there for Andie and they will grow up to be the best of friends and worst of enemies :)

I have this overwhelming feeling of love as I try and give Camden all that I've got in this last week of the three of us. What an amazing 20 months its been. We have gone through so much as a family and it makes me soo proud to see that sweet smile on our sons face, proving to us, that despite all of the crazy in our lives we have succeeded in keeping the most important thing safe and sound.. The happiness of our son and the love between us.

Better get off the Internet- I have a son to spoil.

Hugs-
Megs

Chapter Chaos Closed

Here it is, D Day. Travis and I signed on the dotted line Tuesday and we will move into our new home slowly all weekend. I am so excited to have my own home to raise my kids in, to have my little family together, with out the help of grandparents on a daily basis. However, Without that help, I am confident that I would not have made it through this exceptionally difficult time we have endured. The grandparents were a beautiful distraction while Travis and I fought for our sanity and they also gave our son an amount of love that I will forever be grateful for. Although Camden will not leave unscathed... He now has an obsession with watches, that he prefers to wear as necklaces, watching birds, barn boots and the notorious bull.

As we start unpacking boxes I am reminded that there was once a time that it was just Travis and I. Things seemed so easy back then and I know as time goes on I'll look back at my children and say "it was so easy when they were ____ age".

When I pulled up to our house last night to meet Travis, he had a huge smile on his face. It was a smile I hadn't seen in a while. He was so proud. Rightfully so! He has managed to move his family to another state, he works hard...really hard to make the best possible life he can for his family, and he rarely complains..... I didn't say NEVER :)


I am so proud of my husband. He truly is my saving grace and I thank the man upstairs everyday for giving our family this opportunity. I'd also like to thank all our family and friends for the support and for being our roomies through, with out a doubt, the most challenging time of our lives.

Now I wait for yet another chapter in the Kruk Book o Life--- Andie Marie

Make new friends but keep the old

I feel that certain people are placed into your life for a reason. Some people aren't great influences but in the end help you find your way, while others are there for support and some are simply just angels to guide you through.

This whole transition to Indianapolis has given me much to think about and I feel like everything has come full circle.

This post was written under the influence of Girl Scout cookies. As I sit and pound thin mints I was reflecting on my time as a Girl Scout. One memory comes to mind- Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the others gold. As a kid this song didn't mean much because you changed friends as quickly as you found a new BFF necklace. But as I grow up and new people are coming into my life I feel this overwhelming appreciation for specific people and circumstances.

A few weeks ago I joined a moms group at a local church and as we all know, I'm not what someone would call religious. Sure I believe in a greater good, but I'm not a regular. In this group we were asked to reflect on people who have come into our lives and why we thought they were placed there. I went all the way back to birth and then realized I was being superficial and needed to be honest.

There are those friends who have stuck by your side since 1st grade and you can still pick up right where you left off after months of not speaking. Luckily we all still love each other after going through all of our awkward states. I remember putting on parades, running through the snow in bathing suits, running away from home with suitcases, playing Olympics, playing in the creek and eating June bugs. I believe that these people continue to be placed in my life at specific times as I grow because they have a purpose in my life.

In highschool I met my best gal. No questions asked, we became inseparable nearly immediately. We needed each other to instigate trouble and to be there for each other for all the heart aches, fights with our dads, and to create a friendship that I know cannot be broken. She was my maid of honor, is the god mother to my son and the aunt to my children. She's the super sweet version of me and I know she was a person sent to me to protect me and to share memories with, old and new.

When I entered into my adult life I was lucky enough to go to college with a friend mentioned before, and we conquered college together. College is where I am sure specific people were placed into my life for specific reasons. I met one of these people the first day of English 102 class when we struck up a conversation about randomness and then ended up becoming pledge sisters. It was so random and genuine, I'll never forget that meeting, ever. Another person I met was one who I played dress up with our first night living in the delta zeta house. I have a picture of us as a bride and super turtle from that night.. And we became roomies. Another random and chance meeting that I'm sure wasn't random or chance at all.

I also met my husband in college and I am positive that he was sent to me to be my friend, my confidant, my laughter, and the father of my children. He's my person when my girlie persons aren't around. To be someone who is strong when I am weak and will tell me the truth always.

In my professional life I believe that I was paired up with specific people to guide me through and to mold me the way that I was supposed to end up as an educator. I learned a lot about the real world through these people and the experiences that we shared. I was able to grow up, surrounded by my work family to help guide me through the different times of my life I would encounter while working with them. I miss them.

As I go down the list of important people I come to my children.

Camden was given to me to teach me patience and an unimaginable love, that only parents understand. I believe he was given to me first because, like his dad, he's solid. He's a rock, unwavering and very calm and collected. To prepare us for what was to come. To be the best big brother ever. I believe that it takes a special person to be a great sibling and that is what baby Andie will need.

Andie has been chosen for us, I'm confident in that statement. We weren't planning her and frankly she has been a "head scratcher"baby since day one. I was meant to be her mom and Travis is meant to be her dad. As scary as her journey has been its what was planned for us. I was given to my parents for some reason.. I'm sure they are still questioning what they did wrong..

As I go through and reflect on my meetings with people, it's interesting to see how many people have impacted my life in such different ways.

While sitting at the mommy group table we were sharing stories and I shared Andie's story, our story. It was difficult because I didn't know these women, but the tears just came down..everyone was so sweet, and shared their own stories of life... And across the table a fellow mommy said, I am a heart nurse at Riley Children's hospital and know a lot about your daughters condition.

At that moment, I knew that it is true that someone, somewhere does put people into your life for some reason. Whether its to tell you it's ok, for support, to teach you a lesson or to stay forever.

Elmo, Fisher Price and the bathroom

I'm such a liar.

Camden: "Em..Em?"
Me: No, Cam, Elmo isn't on right now. He comes on at 10. (like he can tell time, let alone understand why his favorite TV show can't be seen)
Camden: grabbing the remote...."Em Em?"
Me: taking the remote and switching to Kelly and Michael.. No Cam, Elmo is on soon.


Every morning, 45 seconds after he is awake...that sweet voice asks for Elmo. I'm not entirely lying to him, Elmo for reals isn't on until 10 and Kelly and Michael is on at 9... But the dirty secret is, I have DVR'd the shitzuh out of Elmo for emergencies. (One of the "smart" things I have done while learning to be home alone with a toddler).

So, I could in theory put Elmo on.

I use the time when Camden eats breakfast to get a head start on my caffeine intake, in hopes that it will knock third trimesters sleepiness from my bones, and give me half a chance to have energy to hold Camden's attention for longer than 3.5 seconds. This is also the time that I watch Kelly Ripa and get my morning news. Normal stuff. This also contains him, plastic tray, straps, bliss.

The first and last time I am in control for the rest of the day.

So today I made a list of things I have learned about parenting, about myself, about my son, whilst he chucked chalk in my face and then smacked his own hand and said No, No, No in his sweet semi British accent he seems to have.

1. Being home with a toddler is hard.
2. Being home with a toddler when it's 2 degrees in harder.
3. Being home with a toddler when it's 2 degrees and pregnant is hardest.
4. You should never decide to have more children until you have witnessed a toddler in its natural habitat.
*lucky for us, our second was a surprise, so I can't shake my fist at my own self.


5. Kids are adorable for a reason. Seriously.

6. Nap times are GLORIOUS. Better than a lot of things.
7. Bed time is mandatory... Not a minute later. After the shenanigans that took place today, Camden won't see an hour and a half past his bed time again until he's 18.
8. Daily, 150 high schoolers would test me and I usually came back and won the battle, being all like HA take that...well 1 toddler tests me and then makes me feel like I have been surprised, round housed, and left feeling like the ass I am.
9. Kids are SMART.. Smart in the brain and in the mouth. Even at his age. Scary.
10. Bringing out any electronic will almost always cause a scene if you don't let the kid play with it. I mean a scene you would see with a person going through detox. An out of body experience.


11. I will never again know what it's like to go to to the bathroom alone. I didn't believe my mom friends who have tread these waters already.
12. I can't wait for Travis to get home... I actually get anxious when he's late.
13. A simple smile from my little man makes all of the above complaints seem a little easier to deal with :) not non existent, but easier.

14. Now I know why tons of moms in the 50s supposedly took Valium.


Tomorrow we look for little gyms or fun activities in the surrounding area. Camden needs some interaction and I need to sit down. Alone. In a mommy time out.

Only 12 more weeks until I have another kiddo who will light up my life in her own special way. And the way Camden is, and the way she moves... This lady needs to sleep now... While she can.


Hugs and love,
Megs

Queen of Hearts

The night before I get to see Andie, I can't sleep and I think no good thoughts. I start to get that sad, mad feeling that I felt for a week after Travis and I found out that our little angel would have a tough fight ahead of her. As the onion peels we are finding out more and more about what little miss has in store for us, and so far it's been nothing but optimistic news.

Last night was no different from the other appointment- eves. Nervous, mind wandering, the what if game, praying and pleading, and then becoming silent. Silent until the nervous joking begins. Being smiley is my coping mechanism and sometimes it exhausting.

Today was different in the fact that I would be at a new hospital with new doctors and new people to give me their diagnosis and prognosis (look mom, I can use big words now!!) My mother-in-law, Sam and I made our way to Indy to see what the doctors had to say. We met 5 glorious people, each awesome-er than the next, and one by one, they confirmed and validated that my daughter was going to be taken care of. As a mother, that is all you can hope for, that others have the same goal for your kiddo, to be successful and to be the best they can be, with the cards they have been dealt.

The thing I am struggling with is that there is nothing that I, MOM, can do when it comes to her heart. My heart aches every time I see her on the screen pushing against the ultrasound wand, telling these doctors to leave her alone. I have to sit there and let them push on her so that they can get a good look. I'm thankful that they are trying to get answers, but its a strange feeling. It's like when I take Camden to get shots.. Awful but necessary.

Today was weird because I was with high risk docs... They should be called high alert docs! They check everything and leave no rock unturned. Since this is the case, they brought back the thought of a chromosomal defect..aka downs, etc. Every time someone says that word in reference to my daughter it's like a punch to the gut. I thought we were in the clear because of the negative test results, but buckle your seat belt megarino...you don't know squat until she is born. Lesson learned today. It's time that I stop trying to wrap my brain around all of this, stop letting myself go to the dark places, and stop being so worried about the unknown. Parenthood is a mind screw, you do the best with your tool box that you were supplied with and you give all the love you can to your sweet babies.

This pregnancy has taught me a lot, and 99% of what I have to learn is still in the chapters to come. I just hope whatever Andie has in store for me, leaves me with enough hair that I can still style with my big and sexy spray and a minimal amount of wrinkles :)

Update: surgery is still after a year... The holes are moderate and minimal, and the leaky valves are minimal. Aortic arch is showing minimal signs of narrowing. Medicine seems to be in small doses after birth, and she is already 2.5 lbs. we visit every 2 weeks.

Grow Andie grow! Love momma.

One week down.... I need a nap

Well, we made it to Indiana a day late, apparently they get snow and a lot of it. So we packed up the jeep and the truck, and headed East. Camden was in his carseat surrounded by little pieces of our life from Illinois. Although it was incredibly bittersweet and difficult I knew the only pieces that mattered were the little boy in the back seat and the big boy in the truck in front of me.
I grew up being 5 minutes from every part of my family and seeing them whenever I wanted. When we moved to red bud I felt like I was 5 hours away and it killed me. Now that I really am 5 hours away its been an emotional roller coaster.

For 6 months I was without my husband and it was so hard. Only seeing him on the weekends was such a tease. Now that we are back together we are back in our first year of marriage again... Figuring out how to live together again.. That's a whole other post :-)

Camden is the one who we worry about... And he is perfect. As long as he has his mom, dad, Ollie, blanky, paci and crib he's good to go.

The first week being settled and alone with Camden was scary. I learned that being a stay at home mom is so hard. I mean real hard. You lose a sense of yourself and resort to Elmo and chicken fingers, oh, and the alphabet song! I've also learned that since I was at work, at class, etc Camden and I really haven't been mom and cam.. For a long period of time (since maternity leave). This makes me sad. I've been molding 140 "other people's kids" for nearly 5 years, and my little guy is just know learning from his mom. Tear.

My mom never stayed home with me, but I always felt like she had it together and wore 765 hats to get it all done. I have about 2 hats right now and I'm DAMN tired.

I've learned that I need to sloooooow down. Cherish every moment, the good, the bad and the ugly.

I have a lot of changing, growing up, and relaxing to do.

I feel I deserve a bag of Milano cookies for making it through the first week.... Don't mind if I do!!

Camden is such a cool kid and I thank all of the special people who helped him grow into the young dude he is today while I was at work!! The Bumblebeez staff, Tracy, Mom, Ma and Grammy, thank you!

-Love and hugs-
Megs