The night before I get to see Andie, I can't sleep and I think no good thoughts. I start to get that sad, mad feeling that I felt for a week after Travis and I found out that our little angel would have a tough fight ahead of her. As the onion peels we are finding out more and more about what little miss has in store for us, and so far it's been nothing but optimistic news.
Last night was no different from the other appointment- eves. Nervous, mind wandering, the what if game, praying and pleading, and then becoming silent. Silent until the nervous joking begins. Being smiley is my coping mechanism and sometimes it exhausting.
Today was different in the fact that I would be at a new hospital with new doctors and new people to give me their diagnosis and prognosis (look mom, I can use big words now!!) My mother-in-law, Sam and I made our way to Indy to see what the doctors had to say. We met 5 glorious people, each awesome-er than the next, and one by one, they confirmed and validated that my daughter was going to be taken care of. As a mother, that is all you can hope for, that others have the same goal for your kiddo, to be successful and to be the best they can be, with the cards they have been dealt.
The thing I am struggling with is that there is nothing that I, MOM, can do when it comes to her heart. My heart aches every time I see her on the screen pushing against the ultrasound wand, telling these doctors to leave her alone. I have to sit there and let them push on her so that they can get a good look. I'm thankful that they are trying to get answers, but its a strange feeling. It's like when I take Camden to get shots.. Awful but necessary.
Today was weird because I was with high risk docs... They should be called high alert docs! They check everything and leave no rock unturned. Since this is the case, they brought back the thought of a chromosomal defect..aka downs, etc. Every time someone says that word in reference to my daughter it's like a punch to the gut. I thought we were in the clear because of the negative test results, but buckle your seat belt megarino...you don't know squat until she is born. Lesson learned today. It's time that I stop trying to wrap my brain around all of this, stop letting myself go to the dark places, and stop being so worried about the unknown. Parenthood is a mind screw, you do the best with your tool box that you were supplied with and you give all the love you can to your sweet babies.
This pregnancy has taught me a lot, and 99% of what I have to learn is still in the chapters to come. I just hope whatever Andie has in store for me, leaves me with enough hair that I can still style with my big and sexy spray and a minimal amount of wrinkles :)
Update: surgery is still after a year... The holes are moderate and minimal, and the leaky valves are minimal. Aortic arch is showing minimal signs of narrowing. Medicine seems to be in small doses after birth, and she is already 2.5 lbs. we visit every 2 weeks.
Grow Andie grow! Love momma.
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