Mirror, Mirror on the Wall...

We are officially two weeks Post Op and things are BETTER THAN EVER... said no one in this household.

 

I am so thankful and grateful and appreciative and relieved and happy and all things good and rainbowie and unicornie about Andies surgery being successful and OVER. My little girl is fixed, and to describe the thoughts and feelings of that is impossible.

 

...............................BUT..........................................

 

We have a serious issue in this house that we must discuss. A baby not sleeping at night and not napping. The issue of my little girl, becoming THAT little girl that you see in the grocery store, screaming and stomping and throwing a tantrum. Yes Sir, that is Andie. I choose to be that parent who notices there is a problem, and to fix it before it gets out of control. Sure, she is just 6 months, but kids are SOOOO smart. They train us from day one, don't get it twisted.

 

Camden has been everything AMAZING as a baby, and he is starting to find himself as he ages, and we are also working on two alpha redheads living in the same house. That in itself is a whole OTHER story.

 

Camden spoiled me. Hands down, best scenario I could have hoped for when it comes to a baby. When people tell you that all kids are different, believe them. I didn't, I thought it was my amazing parenting skills that made Camden awesome. Meaning that every kid I would birth would be amazing because I was the mother and my hubs was the father.... NAAAA-OOPE! Lets be realistic. He was in daycare, I worked and he was parented by us for about 3 hours a night. Definitely was not us. Now that I stay home with my adorable little people, my experiment has proved that the problem is ME.

 

something has to change.

 

Have you ever looked in the mirror, desperately searching for answers within that piece of glass. I've done it a few times in my life. When I was trying to pump myself up for cheer try-outs, when I didn't understand why my boyfriend broke up with me, when I couldn't believe this is what 20 something looks like, when I was trying to figure out HOW I was going to be a mom, and then just recently, when I stared into my mirror, wondering how I got HERE. Here as in: a T-shirt, hair up, no make-up, tired, circles under my eyes, 1 Bachelors Degree and 1 Masters Degree not being used, a kid screaming, another baby refusing to sleep, a dog going bat shit crazy. I just stared and stared and wanted to know HOW in the WORLD did I let my life get out of control.

 

Then I realized, I could change this mess. I love being home with my kids, like with any job, I have to learn the ropes of doing it well. After time, Ill learn how to be a GOOD/GREAT stay at home mom, just like I had to learn how to be a decent teacher and counselor. To be honest, I am toying with the idea of going back to work. There are so many emotions that are tied to this decision. We will table that for another day.

 

The common denominator of all my issues and thoughts right now are that I am getting ZERO time for myself because my child will not sleep and my other kid, well he is 2. And we aren't allowed to go anywhere fun because Andie just had open heart surgery. So one mom skill at a time, I am going to master it and make our life better. here at the house. No one is happy in this house right now. Sure we are functioning, and laughing, but its unbalanced and not wholesome. Does this make sense?

 

So I asked, Mirror, Mirror on the Wall...how do I make this better... and you know what she did? She slapped my across the face and said.. STOP BEING LAZY AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT STOP COMPLAINING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

so I did.. I went to the almighty Facebook and called on my friends... I even prayed.. legit prayed and begged.. (that's another post.. me and the mans relationship..)... Those of you getting ready to have your first kid, or those of you who are on your 5th kid.. call on your mom friends. No mom is too seasoned to not need advice from friends. Without mine, I would be in the fetal position drinking a bottle of wine, hiding in my closet every night.

I am a person who needs things written out, step-by-step for me. Tons of friends sent me their kiddos schedules, with timed increments on when to go check on Andie. For that I will forever owe you candy!! Just when I thought I trained her, she trained me into ANOTHER problem.. the paci. UGH, whatever, Andie! So a friend, who is a Facebook friend (I have not met her, YET!) sent me a beautiful book. It has the SCIENCE behind how to sleep train, the pros, the cons, the variables, EVERYTHING. For a Science person, this was an early Christmas present.

We are on day one of the "Sleep Easy Solution", and my baby is napping. Napping exactly like the book described. I could see the results as they unfolded..It is a beautiful thing.

 

Hopefully, after all this madness is gone, I can write another post talking about how I sleep trained my kid. Those of you who have done this before me, you know how awesome it feels when your kid finally gives up and surrenders their sleep strike.

 

fingers crossed that she is finally learning who is the boss 'round here.

 

xo

Megs

Dear Andie

Dear Andie,
Tomorrow is the day that we will finally be able to fix your first broken heart. We tried to have surgery three weeks ago, but you were sick and they called it off. Andie, I am a believer that certain situations call for a perfect alignment of the stars, and that day sweetie, your stars weren't aligned. I am so happy and relieved that your daddy and I were able to bring you home and get you healthy so you can go into surgery with a fair fight.
Girl, you have been such a fighter since you were born. They told us you would have a hard time eating, gaining weight, and would be weak. You proved them wrong in all aspects. It's always been on your terms, and I am confident that you will continue to take control of your young little life as you go through an experience that majority of people in the world will not experience. You are exceptional.
It's hard to believe that one inch under your skin, my perfect little baby, has a huge issue. An issue that threatens your life, your health and your happiness, yet you choose to keep fighting. I've noticed that as you grow, it's hard for your body to keep up as it used to, but you just keep smiling and trucking along until you fall asleep.
Andie, you are strong and fearless. Please know that when the wonderful nurses and doctors take you back to fix you, it will be the hardest thing that your daddy and I will have done in our lives. You may be scared, because they are unfamiliar faces, but don't worry, sweet girl, it will all be ok. Try to be brave, and mommy and daddy will be waiting for you when it's all over.
When I was younger, I used to call the shots, and obviously God gave me you to take my need for control away because we have a new queen in town. I am certain that you and I were meant for each other, you are indeed a gift from above.
My sweet angel, you should be so proud of all the lives you have touched in the 6 months you have been here on this earth. You have a kindness about you that is genuine and soft. So many people care and worry about you and are rooting for you tomorrow. At such a young age I can tell that you are kindhearted like your dad and feisty like your mom.

Tomorrow the doctors will fix you, and in a week or two we can bring you home, where we can all be a family again. Andie, I look forward to taking you to the park where I won't worry if you get sick, or going an entire week without seeing or hearing from a doctor. I promise to not leave your side until I know you are safe and ok.

Baby girl, if you get scared think of happy thoughts and how much your daddy, mommy, brother and doggie love you.

Love you so very very much.
Mommy







Friends and family: please if you have a moment please say a prayer or a happy thought for Andie. Although we are confident, we are absolutely terrified. I can only speak for myself, and I know I'm so scared. She seems so healthy now, and that makes it difficult to hand her over considering the complications that could take place. Nevertheless, she needs the surgery and we need your love and support. Strangers, family and friends...Travis and I thank you from the bottom of our hearts for your love and words of comfort that you have provided. We love you all and love that you love our baby girl. I will keep you updated tomorrow via our caring bridge site and will post that tomorrow again on Facebook. Surgery stuff starts at 6 am and we are scheduled for 7 hours.



Goodnight and Go Colts!
Xo
Megs

Content

Today could not have been more perfect. I woke up at 6 am to find my husband downstairs in his recliner when he was supposed to be hunting. He had coffee going, and the fire place lit. For some strange reason, it felt like Christmas morning. Today was the last day that the four of us could hang out as our little family until seester comes home. We chose to wear our pajamas all day, eat candy corn and lay on the floor playing cars. No one yelled, no one cried, it was awesome.
Travis was exceptionally hilarious, helpful and loving today. He climbed into Camden's crib to read him stories, cleaned the dishwasher, made lunch, loved our kids, and made me laugh and feel like we were dating again.
As many of you know, T and I have been through a lot of things this past year. More than I would have expected to go through before I was 40. Selling our home, being apart, getting pregnant, finding out our baby had downs, finding out she didn't, raising a two year old, getting a masters degree, quitting jobs, leaving friends, moving, buying a house, jumping into the family business, having a baby, financial hardships, and preparing for surgery. Since we have been through so much, we have been hard pressed to find time to date or to have light hearted conversation. Today was the day! It just seemed to work again. It was amazing and needed.

Monday is the day that we've been worrying about since November 16, 2012 when our lives changed forever. It seems like a lifetime ago when that Doctor told me and convinced me that my daughter would have a very hard life ahead of her. I would have never thought that we would be fixing her just 27 days shy of a year. I'm not naive and know that we are not out of the woods yet, and that my friends, makes my heart uneasy.

But tonight, I'm going to remember how awesome today was, and how it felt to not have a care in the world for the first time in almost a year. Drink a glass of wine with my husband and not care about the toys thrown around the house, or if I remembered to give Andie her medicine (which I did), or what doctors appts we have this week, or if Trav has socks for work. Instead I am going to sit here and just breathe ....with my best friend beside me, feeling content in this moment.

Xo
Meaghan

I present to you...The Class of 2003

10 years? Really? I could not believe my ears when I heard that for the first time. Now, the reunion is this weekend. Sadly, I will not be in attendance. It crushes me to know that I won't be there catching up, especially since I haven't lived in O'Fallon since I left in 2003😥. Sure, I hung out there a lot, but living and visiting isn't the same.

I consider myself as one being classified as "Suzie High School". I participated in spirit week, athletics, parties, and tried to know as many people as possible, all while trying to figure my life out. Of course, I made some bad decisions, but over all, I feel like those four years were really productive.

I remember walking down those halls the first day of high school. Wandering aimlessly down the 500 hall and then ending up in the 600 hall...but couldn't find 900 hall? Ugh. The Stress!!!!

At the time i didn't realize what wonderful teachers I had, and how I would model my teaching from them. I remember Mr. Sitze and how he looked like Santa- but how far from jolly he was, yet one of my favorite teachers, ever. My favorite lesson he taught was the one with the Country song, "the dance". Señora Grogan, a family friend, who taught me Spanish, and made sure I was better than my dad was, when she had him 20 years prior. Still to this day, I feel accomplished when I can translate bits and pieces of Español and I still crave the spanish chocolate she sold in her classroom. I don't remember much about Mr. Cordon's class, other than I was scared to get up and talk and that he was profound..oh..and to never get on his bad side. International Issues was one of my favorite classes for many reasons. The teacher, Mr. Bickel was amazing and is still outstanding in his current role, as principal. I learned a lesson in this class, a hard lesson. I remember a student who was heavy and they fell out of their chair while we were all getting new seats one day. Many students laughed, and I remember wanting to crawl in a hole for them and to scoop them up... I didn't. I'm ashamed. When I taught, I would use this experience to teach my students to take care of each other, because I couldn't imagine what that student must have felt that day being alone in an embarrassing circumstance. On September 11, I was sitting in Mr. Day's class when the twin towers went down. He rolled in a TV on a cart and plugged it in. We all sat there stunned, with no idea how that day would impact our lives..still....10 years later. Mrs. Wilmore's class is where I decided I wanted to be a science teacher and Mrs. Hughes's class is where my great guy friend, Chris, ate a goldfish and then was immediately pink slipped...haha. Mr. Toler eating chalk...and Mrs. Cotts breaking the news to Sarah and I that there was no such thing as Prince Charming.

The football games, the basketball games, running to the tracks and back, walking from the back parking lot, bus rides to and from games, lunch hour, fruitopia and Cheetos, Channel One.. I can still remember it like it was yesterday.

Well classmates that will be there, and those that won't...I miss you. I wish you all the best, and am proud of what you've accomplished. I hope you have fond memories of me, or the classes that we took together. Those whom I didn't get to know very well, shame on me. I'm sure I'm the one missing out. Maybe at our 20 year ill be able to come and have a beer with you, legally..this time 😉

Have a great time this weekend!

Cheers,
Meaghan

To unload the cart, or not unload the cart? That is the question.

Well friends, a lot has gone down since I wrote you last. Tons of ups and some downs, but hey, that's life right?
I remember being a kid and thinking I can't wait to grow up because it would be so easy to just go to work... Well young Meaghan, you're an idiot. The old Meaghan doesn't even "work" anymore and I'd pay a fair amount of money to go back to those days...for a little while.
Since I've been home with two kids now I've learned a lot about myself. Some things are pretty cool, while others embarrass me. Having two kids is difficult to have a spur of the moment trip. Most of the time it's too much hassle to get both kids packed up to just run somewhere. Sucks for me. Stuck in the house is NO BUENO! (Señora Grogan...proud?) but sometimes I push the issue, grab the pacifiers and off we go.

Things that have surfaced as a result of having a new baby and a toddler:

1. I'm a yeller. Not a trashy yeller that we've all seen at Wal-Mart, but Camden pushes my buttons and I try and use my teacher skills and he plain IGNORES me. The nerrrrrrve. Exhibit A: he will walk over to the swing that his sister is in and act all sweet....start rocking her, slowly. I tell him to be gentle, giving him some praise for being a sweet boy, and then he rocks faster, faster, I say things like, "Camden thank you, but that's enough" "Camden please stop" "Camden NO", and then it happens.. Hyperspeed Rocking and then I flip my lid. He clearly knows what he is doing. He reminds me of an addict that binges because they know they are going to get busted anyways. Go big or go home perhaps... Crap. I think I remember saying those exact words as I snuck out of my parents house as a teenager.. Karma?

2. It is possible to shower everyday in peace. I have scheduled that time in for myself. Score! I even do my hair and make up, just so I feel decent. However, by 5 my make up is running down my face, I have barf on my shirt, and my hair is in a messy bun because Camden will pull it if its down. Travis says he can tell how the kids were by how high and frazzled my bun is at 530 when he gets home.

3. Kids are loud. Duh right? Sometimes I'll have a moment where I remove myself by forcing myself to be deaf and ignore the crazy that surrounds me. That's usually when my dog and I make eye contact and we both know that we have reached crazy town, town of four. Then I usually dream of beaches, and margaritas and look at the clock to see how much longer until nap time.

4. I love nap time now, more than I did in college. True story.

5. I speak toddler. It's a weird realization as a mom when you translate your kids random talk into a sentence that actually does make sense. The first time you do it it's a weird feeling. I didn't know if I should be proud or ashamed... It's kind of like translating my drunk friends speech when I was DD for the night in college.

6. Having two kids is totally hectic. I had my post partum appt last week to make sure I'm all back to normal and such. It's weird to think that I've made it almost 6 weeks. I remember being home that first week and not imagining that anyone would make it out alive. Well, we are still kicking.

7. Travis and I both have decided that we are not baby people. Probably not that nicest thing to admit, but each stage, I say "this is my favorite" as they both grow. New moms, it's ok to not enjoy the baby stage, the barfy, the newborn cry (yes it's a specific cry), the bird seed poops, the blow outs, the mood swings, the inability for them to do anything but have gas smiles as they fill their pants. It's a very hard time. I'm not a new mom and my second was just as "new" as the first. What's not ok, is to not love your baby, there is a difference between, not enjoying the stage, and not enjoying your baby.

8. I still doubt myself. One would think that since this isn't my first rodeo that I'm all expert. NO- I still read the same books for reference, visit the same websites, and ask my friends questions. Each kid is different, and trust me... You forget EVeRyThInG! Well except how to hold them, and love them. At the end of the day, babies are super resilient, and they will be fine as long as you change their diaper, kiss their forehead, feed and hold them. Trust me, and remember that on hard days. (I'm writing this for myself to reread as I dance between the fine line of insanity and sanity)

9. I have finally realized that it is in fact YOUR child and you don't need to justify why you do certain things. Camden is nearly two, Andie nearly 6 weeks, and I'm just now able to feel comfortable saying that. Sadly, your baby is judged and held to certain standards the second they are born. If you aren't confident, neither will the baby. So stand tall in what you do. If you want to use pampers, Huggies or target brand diapers, that's your choice. If you want to put bows on your baby's head every day, perfect. If you want to put your baby in the crib right away, awesome! If you want to give your kid formula instead of breast milk, hey.. That's alright. All this came to make sense while we were at the park. I watched my kid run around and play the same way, and do the same things as others, regardless of the things mentioned above.... And then he licked the monkey bars. Just kidding. Maybe.... :) each mom just wants their kid to be happy and that is fantastic.

10. Shopping is hard. I'm struggling with how to unload the cart. Do I put the kids in the car first, or unload first? Do I put the baby in first? Or the toddler? It's all a big mind screw.

11. When I'm in public looking at other moms, I wonder if they are all experiencing the same things I am? Do they sometimes think that there is no way they will make it 5 more minutes? Do they feed their toddler peanut butter and crackers for dinner because that will keep him quiet for 4 seconds? Or do they really have it together?

12. I miss date night. Travis and I made time for us when it was just Camden. Now with two, it way different. We have about 45 minutes alone to talk about adult things before the little one wakes up to begin her 2 hours of crying a night. I miss my boyfriend.

13. It does get easier. I have to write that down because I need to look at Camden and realize he wasn't always leprechauns and lucky charms. Well actually he was pretty close to always being awesome, but nevertheless, it will get a tad easier... This first month of two has kicked my butt.

Bring it on, only 17 years and 11 months to go :)

If anyone has solutions or comments, or thoughts on my "worries" do share.

Happy Memorial Day weekend peeps!

Hugs,
Megs

I like BIG Butts and I cannot Lie!

Part 2
So we woke up on Tuesday morning to my nurse, Thelsa, and all the doctors that I had been in contact with. Once again all the kids followed the doctors who were legit and then they began pushing birth control again... I'm not kidding. It was getting kind of ridiculous. To shut them up I said, give me the pill and finally.... Some peace and quiet.

At this point, it was still Travis and I in the room. Andie was still in the NICU. We had breakfast and we went down to see baby girl. I finally had my pee bag and medicine drop machine removed and I was a free woman.

As I'm writing this, I'm trying to piece it all together and its becoming a blur. Travis went home that afternoon and my mom and grandmas came by to visit. While they were there, the nurses told us that Andie was able to come stay in my room with me because she no longer needed the NICU. It was the most wonderful news I had heard. So we walked down and got her.

Travis went back to work that Wednesday so I was alone in the hospital with Andie, Tuesday-Thursday. It wasn't that bad. But I started bad habits while it was just us- sleeping in bed with me, watching TV all night, eating chips in bed. We were rebels. Since I had a cesarian it was difficult to get out of a hospital bed to get her so we improvised. My night nurse, Jackie, was awesome! When she would come to give me meds we would talk Bravo and we talked about her upcoming wedding. She was wonderful. She'd also take Andie for a couple hours while I'd sleep. Apparently, Andie was the only baby on our floor that wasn't up screaming all night.

The nights turned into days, that turned into nights. It was a long stay, alone, but needed. Camden needed his daddy and Trav drove back and forth until all of his family was taken care of. He's wonderful. He even had a houseful of his mother in law, and my two grandmas. What a guy!

So while I was alone I had to get stuff done on my own. A lot of funny things happened and only Andie and I were there for the awkwardness that ensued.

First stop-shower. Since it was me and her, I wheeled her bassinet into the bathroom and showered with the curtain open so that I could watch her. While in the shower, I had a Charlotte from SATC moment. Nooo I didn't poop myself, worse!!! I was washing my face and the bubbles from the soap got in my mouth because I was in heaven and let my mouth flop open and I started to choke... That's all fine and dandy until your reflex to cough kicks in. Coughing and csection is No GOODA! When you use any muscle in your tummy you need a pillow to push up against so you don't feel like your going to blow a gasket. Naked in the shower didn't lend itself for that. So needless to say I stood their choking, coughing and crying because I was panicked. After I coughed up my face wash I began to laugh about the nonsense that just happened.

Next- elephantitis. After you have a baby you swell. Heck, I'm ahead of the game and start swelling before. But nothing could prepare me for the swelling that a csection gives you. They pump you full of fluid before you have your surgery and then it hangs out with you for a week after. My thighs were huge, my butt was huger, and my knees and ankles were nonexistent. My maternity jeans didn't even fit. Embarrassing. The doc said "totally normal", "could last for weeks" and I said things like "DON'T YOU KNOW IT'S SUNDRESS SEASON?" And " IT'S ALMOST BATHING SUIT TIME". He told me to walk it out and that the walking would also help with the gas.....

The Gas----- we are all friends here, and we know that I've been known to toot every blue moon.......... Hehe

Well, after surgery you have trapped gas. It sucks. It's actually worse than the surgery pain. Not kidding. I ate gas pills like candy, and now I feed them to Travis :) I took my docs advice and went for a walk. I had horrid gas pains, so I threw on my tye dye dress and me and my big legs went for a walk, pushing Andie in her bassinet. We made lap after lap and I got that feeling.... Like oh god, keep it in... I tried to move as fast as I could back to my room but, alas, right before my room... Zerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp. I let her loose. Fail.

My belly felt better, but my legs were still big.

So my mom came to pick us up because Travis was dealing with an audit at work. Mom went to the garage to get the car and the nurses wheeled me and my baby to the curb with all our belongings....and we waited. And waited. And waited. I was convinced that I was the next "home is where the heart is" character, feeling like Natalie Portman I waited for my mom. Finally, she made it the circle drive and off we went...


So it all turns out ok in the end. The gas ends, the swelling ends, and love affair with a pillow ends.

Now my baby has explosive farts and a toddler with an explosive personality.
I have a whole post about that soon.
First week home alone with both kids begins tomorrow... Eik!

Hugs-
Megs

Babies, Meth Bugs, and Ice chips

Travis and I woke up early, both moms here to help with Camden. I watched everyone eat breakfast and drink their coffee. When you have a csection you can't eat anything after midnight the night before. Needless to say I was very jealous. This will also become a problem and obsession as the day progresses.

I couldn't sleep at all.. I got up to use the bathroom every 5 seconds and before I knew it... We were throwing our bags into the jeep to head to Indy. The drive was quiet. I wanted to throw up, but then I would have an even more empty stomach... Prego probs!

So we wheel our stuff into Labor and Delivery and they take us back to our holding area. It's 7 am and in 2 hours I'll have my baby girl. I'll know what we are dealing with and I can relax. Maybe..........
My delivery nurse was amazing. I hve been blessed with awesome nurses with both kids and I am convinced that's why my recoveries are always pretty positive. Erika gave me my IV which is the 1st fear I had for the day. I almost yarfed and she had to tilt me back and put ice packs on me. You know, childish stuff. I HATE IVS! Worst ever. So that was done. Check. When can I have ice chips? Not for a while.

Since I delivered at IU hospital I had all these kids playing doctor on me. It was fun and they were great. Best wishes to them. There one job was to push birth control on me. Literally. 5 mins before the csection.... Mrs. Krukemeier- do you want to have your tubes tied? No. Do you need information on the pill? No. Do you want an IUD implanted. No. And then me being me--- I said listen, I'm getting ready to have my csection in about 2.5 that's birth control enough..believe me... he wont be allowed to touch me for quite some time....Travis laughed and said.. She's right. So we got that squashed. Ugh. Can I have ice chips? No. I'm really thirsty..NO.

In the meantime we hear blood curdling screams next door. For a second I was happy I didn't have to go through labor, she sounded bad. Apparently she had spina bifida and that keeps you from getting an epidural, AND she was a teenager which makes her pain tolerance less than desirable. I asked questions and learned.. go me. Well this little miss wimped out and had an emergency csection and bumped me... 30 mins before I'm supposed to go in! RUDE! That meant I had to wait for ice chips... I was turning into a desert.

So we waited.. Waited (meaning longer time until I could drink) and finally Erika brought Trav his suit and booties and they took me back to the operating table. It was freezing, but I was sweating.. A lot. How embarrassing. I got my spinal (bee sting grade, not hornet like they said) and then I started to shake... A lot. Like a lot a lot. I did this with my epidural So I kept being non chalant... Yea it looks like I'm seizing but don't worry I'm fiiiiiiine. I started to Meaghan joke.. Laugh it off and then I got nauseous. Bad sick. I was like ughhh I'm gunna barf..kind of like when you've drank too much and your head is on the toilet seat... Classy Krukemeier. They put a urine tray in my face which is awful and kind of like a toilet seat. My arms were strapped down so I couldn't even hold the bucket. Thankfully I didn't need it... Because they put some awesomeness named Zofran in my IV. Travis came in and the doctor came in and all the kids and the party started. 1112 was when I got my spinal... I know this because I made a wish at 1111 and she was born at 1142 am. Travis rubbed my arm and my hand. Never taking his eye off me. I kept asking him if he's alright... I thought for sure he'd go down. I prayed and prayed for her to cry because if she did, I'd be able to see her. She didn't and off she went. The medicine doc looked over the sheet and said she's a big girl and she has a big butt :) god love her. I needed that.

Travis raced back to be with her, took pictures and then came back. We got updated almost every 2 mins. Her oxygen wasn't good so she got the breathing tubes and the NG tube.

They stitched me up and we all made small talk. I wasn't really listening. I wanted my baby. It was a weird feeling. I felt helpless, not happy, not relieved, but grateful and weirdly calm. They unhooked my arms and I reached for Travis. He felt good in my arms, next best thing besides my new baby.

ICE CHIP TIME....

Next, I went into recovery room to be monitored for 2 hours. This is where I made love to ice chips and scratched my face as if I had meth bugs because of the meds. I vaguely remember this. But I remember my dad literally running to my side and grabbing my arm telling me how proud he was. He was exactly what I needed at that moment. Everyone was freaking out about my shaking and my scratchy face, firing questions at me...dad has nervous humor too and he said, "at least they didn't give you a knife to eat your ice chips".... As they shook everywhere from my convulsions.. And from underneath all the crazy, was my sister in law that asked-- Meaghan how are you doing? I lied. I said I'm ok. I wasn't. I was falling into a bad dark place..

Sometime around 2 or 3pm I was able to meet my gorgeous daughter, Andie, through a glass box. I held her hand and told her I loved her. It was magical. I wanted to smell her but I was numb and couldn't move.



Then we got to our postpartum room. I met my next awesome nurse, Thelsa. She gave me juice and made sure I was comfy. As evening approached I worried about Andie and then the worry turned into tears. Everyone that I love surrounded me and they were celebrating and I began to cry. That mad, un-understanding cry. My dad asked- are you in pain. I said no. And then everyone knew... I sat there and cried for my child. I wanted her. I needed her. Everyone left and it was Travis and I. Shift change- Cindy came to take care of us and I asked if I could go see Andie. Travis had been with her all day and kept bringing me pictures and awesome updates but I wanted to see my baby!!! Cindy told me that if I could stop shaking she'd take me. Finally at 1 am she and Travis took me and my pee bag down to Special Care and I was able to hold my angel baby. Instantly I was in love. I didn't know this, but Travis waited to let me hold her first and as soon as he could he scooped her up. It was perfect. That's when I knew all was going to be ok. Travis and I sat in the dark NICU and held our baby and I was fixed. I know in that moment that I kicked postpartums grimy little butt and smiled for the first time in 14 hours.









Travis and I kissed and we kissed her and left her with her sweet nurse, Sarah, whose daughter has the same heart defect. We knew our daughter was safe and sound.

Part 2, Next.