Here I sit on this Thursday evening, really wanting to watch all 15 episodes of Real Housewives, Million Dollar Decorators, Intervention and Grey's Anatomy, but sometimes what you want isn't what you need. I need to write instead. As most of you know I am 1 class away from obtaining my Master's in School Counseling (GO ME! that's my personal cheerleader, thank you Meaghan!). During the program I have learned a lot, including coping skills, self talk, goal setting, and having realistic goals. As a person who gets counseling, it makes it even harder to be counseled...but my coping skill of choice is talking it out.. or writing it out tonight... begin story.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I have a great life. I am SEVERELY blessed, and I am not ashamed to say that. Most people are blessed, and you can see the "wonderfulness" on their face when they smile, the tone in their voice, when they are going about their daily business. All in all, people have really great days most days and an occasional bad day here and there. Those bad days I believe are what keeps us modest and honest.
Although I am no stranger to bad days, hard times, inconveniences, I have never had a horribly, awful, scare you to the bone, knock the wind out of you, flashback of your life, flash forward to the future type of experience.......................................until November 16, 2012.
This day I will never forget. ever.
Travis and I woke up early that morning to take Camden to the babysitter and then we came back to my parents house to get ready for the main event... GENDER REVEAL DAY! We guessed back and forth about if the baby was a girl or boy and our phones were alive with supportive text messages. We got ready.. I wore a pink sweater and a pink scarf to send pink vibes to my baby to become a girl.. because that's what sane people do. Trav and I went to 54th Street for lunch and then we made our way to the hospital to have our Ultrasound done.
Sitting in the waiting room I felt uneasy.. no one was nice on this day. I wanted to be like COME ON PEOPLE I FIND OUT THE SEX OF MY BABY.. don't be rude.. BE HAPPY! The ultrasound tech called us back and said are you finding out the sex.. DUH.. she said good, get on the table, lets go. Very matter of factly... so I did, and Travis sat next to me with his coffee and stared hopelessly at the screen (as did I). I looked over and said that I loved him.. and it began.
This is the femur, this is the spine, this is the head... BREECH.. boooo.. This is the.. blah blah blah... then she said.. are you ready... we both said YES and she said.. ITS A GIRL!!! I melted. Trav stayed quiet, but I know he melted too. Awesome!! All I could think about was her and Camden being the best of friends and him defending her, and bows, cheerleading, sororities.. Travis chasing boys away.. etc. I thought to myself, OK thanks.. we will go now we got our news.
NOT SO FAST.
Then we started to hear things like... well shes a mover and shaker (duh.. shes going to be a dancer, cheerleader, president.. she has to be active).. I really cant get a good look..... if she doesn't cooperate we will have to bring the doctor in.....
tech leaves and gives me a potty break (1 hour in.... its almost been too long for an ultrasound...)
tech comes back in and looks at the same crap again.... "Is everything OK??" "Hunny, I have a lot to look at still"...... (I think to myself... False... LIAR!!!!)...... Tech leaves to go get the doctor.........
I sit up and look at Travis.... "Babe, something is wrong" He assures me that everything is OK, because hes my rock, and has to, but he knew too.. we both sat there.
The doctor came back in and started looking at baby girl... there was deafening silence. I could hear my heart in my head... the pulsing. what seemed like 5 hours ended and he turned all the machines off and pulled up a chair.
I sat up.. bracing myself, but for what??
"Your daughter has something wrong with her heart. I think its a defect called...... akdfjlakdfsjadsjf.........(he talks forever).........."this is normally associated with one of the Trisomy's" I begin to cry. Its a weird cry... Its an "I have to be strong cry, oh my god, I think I am going to pass out cry, a SHUT UP IVE HEARD ENOUGH cry".
Then I felt Travis's hand on my back. It was warm, it was shaking, and I knew this wasn't a nightmare or dream. It was real. I could feel something other than the vomit creeping up my throat, the air escaping my lungs, and the prickles on the back of my neck.
The doctor gave us "options" and since I was in outer space I had no recollection of what "options" he gave us. Travis and the doctor explained to me the different tests that he recommended, told us a little more about her sweet baby heart and then left us to our thoughts and the tech to draw blood.
It was now 430 on Friday afternoon, no doctor to call, and I was told that we would know if our daughter had Down Syndrome, Trisomy 18 or Trisomy 13 in 1-2 weeks and that the holiday (thanksgiving) would probably post pone the results, etc. They told us that we would have an echo cardiogram the following week to look at her heart to confirm what was going on.
It was the worst weekend of my life, and I am sure it was equally horrible for Travis. I got on the internet and started to research which was stupid, but when you have no answers, you look for them yourself. I spoke to a doctor friend of mine and he gave me peace of mind and I was able to be normal for about 3 hours before Travis left to go home. I wouldn't wish that sadness or scared-ness on my worst enemy.
My doctor called me that Monday and apologized for the news and assured me that we would have a better picture as each test came back. She was comforting, but never gave us false hope either. Tuesday Mom and I drove to Children's Hospital in St. Louis to see her heart. After 3 hours of ultrasound and being pushed on (by AMAZING doctors by the way) we had answer #1.
Atrioventricular Septal Defect- AVSD- Two holes in the septum of the heart. Confirmed.
Two amazing doctors came in and explained everything to me, and said that with surgery most children live normal lives, and there is usually only one surgery needed. They also told me scary things like feeding tubes, open heart surgery, stroke, medicine, pace maker, etc... but I heard NORMAL and I clung to that.
This sweet angel in my tummy was made like this.. this is what she knows.. this IS her normal.. and get ready momma.. this is YOUR normal.
I didn't cry at this appointment.. I kept my composure and walked out of that amazing hospital.. drove home, dropped my mom off and went for a drive.
If any of you know the feeling of losing it because you are so mad, so confused, so helpless.. I am sorry. I called my husband and lost it. absolutely lost it. How was this happening.. "WHY" I screamed.. "WHY"... I watched my daughter move around, donkey kick me, swallow the amniotic fluid, suck her thumb, and play in my tummy. How could she have such a hard road ahead. I told Travis all I could say about the defect over the phone, in between tears, screaming and sorrow.
Travis drove 4.5 hours to be with me that night and we sat together in my room and sorted through our thoughts. It was perfect. And we put our game faces on. It was time to be the parents.. to fight like hell for our daughter.
Answer #2. On the Monday after Thanksgiving, I received a call from the genetic counselor at MOBAP. Before I answered I prayed to God, Jesus, anyone that was listening and answered the phone. She said "Meaghan, I have your results from your MaterniT21 test".. I pulled over on the side of the road because Camden was with me.."your results are all normal" I sobbed in relief. I thanked her and hung up. Immediately I called Travis and told him... "AWESOME" he said. I hadn't heard Travis that ecstatic in weeks, it was amazing.
As each answer is revealed we know a little bit more about our daughter. Had all of the results came back worse case scenario, I would have loved her just the same as I love her now and will love her as she grows up to be big and strong. A friend at work summed it up perfectly, she is a daughter, and because of that, she is going to keep you on your toes.. starting now until forever. At this point I am at peace with what her diagnosis is. I am not naive, and understand that things will probably get sucky again before they get better. All I know is that I have 18.5 weeks to get her as big and healthy as I can in my belly and prepare her for her life outside of me. This experience has made me realize that being a parent is some scary stuff, and has made me humble and appreciative for the little things.
I go to the doctor tomorrow and I am terrified. However, this tiny little girl reminds me always with each kick and roll that she is strong and ready to take on the world. I have really great days, and I also have really sad days. All of these days are in the book of Andie, therefore they are so very special to our family.
Travis and I finally named our baby girl: Andria Marie Krukemeier and she will be called, Andie.
Meet Andie:
xo
Meaghan
