Elmo, Fisher Price and the bathroom

I'm such a liar.

Camden: "Em..Em?"
Me: No, Cam, Elmo isn't on right now. He comes on at 10. (like he can tell time, let alone understand why his favorite TV show can't be seen)
Camden: grabbing the remote...."Em Em?"
Me: taking the remote and switching to Kelly and Michael.. No Cam, Elmo is on soon.


Every morning, 45 seconds after he is awake...that sweet voice asks for Elmo. I'm not entirely lying to him, Elmo for reals isn't on until 10 and Kelly and Michael is on at 9... But the dirty secret is, I have DVR'd the shitzuh out of Elmo for emergencies. (One of the "smart" things I have done while learning to be home alone with a toddler).

So, I could in theory put Elmo on.

I use the time when Camden eats breakfast to get a head start on my caffeine intake, in hopes that it will knock third trimesters sleepiness from my bones, and give me half a chance to have energy to hold Camden's attention for longer than 3.5 seconds. This is also the time that I watch Kelly Ripa and get my morning news. Normal stuff. This also contains him, plastic tray, straps, bliss.

The first and last time I am in control for the rest of the day.

So today I made a list of things I have learned about parenting, about myself, about my son, whilst he chucked chalk in my face and then smacked his own hand and said No, No, No in his sweet semi British accent he seems to have.

1. Being home with a toddler is hard.
2. Being home with a toddler when it's 2 degrees in harder.
3. Being home with a toddler when it's 2 degrees and pregnant is hardest.
4. You should never decide to have more children until you have witnessed a toddler in its natural habitat.
*lucky for us, our second was a surprise, so I can't shake my fist at my own self.


5. Kids are adorable for a reason. Seriously.

6. Nap times are GLORIOUS. Better than a lot of things.
7. Bed time is mandatory... Not a minute later. After the shenanigans that took place today, Camden won't see an hour and a half past his bed time again until he's 18.
8. Daily, 150 high schoolers would test me and I usually came back and won the battle, being all like HA take that...well 1 toddler tests me and then makes me feel like I have been surprised, round housed, and left feeling like the ass I am.
9. Kids are SMART.. Smart in the brain and in the mouth. Even at his age. Scary.
10. Bringing out any electronic will almost always cause a scene if you don't let the kid play with it. I mean a scene you would see with a person going through detox. An out of body experience.


11. I will never again know what it's like to go to to the bathroom alone. I didn't believe my mom friends who have tread these waters already.
12. I can't wait for Travis to get home... I actually get anxious when he's late.
13. A simple smile from my little man makes all of the above complaints seem a little easier to deal with :) not non existent, but easier.

14. Now I know why tons of moms in the 50s supposedly took Valium.


Tomorrow we look for little gyms or fun activities in the surrounding area. Camden needs some interaction and I need to sit down. Alone. In a mommy time out.

Only 12 more weeks until I have another kiddo who will light up my life in her own special way. And the way Camden is, and the way she moves... This lady needs to sleep now... While she can.


Hugs and love,
Megs

Queen of Hearts

The night before I get to see Andie, I can't sleep and I think no good thoughts. I start to get that sad, mad feeling that I felt for a week after Travis and I found out that our little angel would have a tough fight ahead of her. As the onion peels we are finding out more and more about what little miss has in store for us, and so far it's been nothing but optimistic news.

Last night was no different from the other appointment- eves. Nervous, mind wandering, the what if game, praying and pleading, and then becoming silent. Silent until the nervous joking begins. Being smiley is my coping mechanism and sometimes it exhausting.

Today was different in the fact that I would be at a new hospital with new doctors and new people to give me their diagnosis and prognosis (look mom, I can use big words now!!) My mother-in-law, Sam and I made our way to Indy to see what the doctors had to say. We met 5 glorious people, each awesome-er than the next, and one by one, they confirmed and validated that my daughter was going to be taken care of. As a mother, that is all you can hope for, that others have the same goal for your kiddo, to be successful and to be the best they can be, with the cards they have been dealt.

The thing I am struggling with is that there is nothing that I, MOM, can do when it comes to her heart. My heart aches every time I see her on the screen pushing against the ultrasound wand, telling these doctors to leave her alone. I have to sit there and let them push on her so that they can get a good look. I'm thankful that they are trying to get answers, but its a strange feeling. It's like when I take Camden to get shots.. Awful but necessary.

Today was weird because I was with high risk docs... They should be called high alert docs! They check everything and leave no rock unturned. Since this is the case, they brought back the thought of a chromosomal defect..aka downs, etc. Every time someone says that word in reference to my daughter it's like a punch to the gut. I thought we were in the clear because of the negative test results, but buckle your seat belt megarino...you don't know squat until she is born. Lesson learned today. It's time that I stop trying to wrap my brain around all of this, stop letting myself go to the dark places, and stop being so worried about the unknown. Parenthood is a mind screw, you do the best with your tool box that you were supplied with and you give all the love you can to your sweet babies.

This pregnancy has taught me a lot, and 99% of what I have to learn is still in the chapters to come. I just hope whatever Andie has in store for me, leaves me with enough hair that I can still style with my big and sexy spray and a minimal amount of wrinkles :)

Update: surgery is still after a year... The holes are moderate and minimal, and the leaky valves are minimal. Aortic arch is showing minimal signs of narrowing. Medicine seems to be in small doses after birth, and she is already 2.5 lbs. we visit every 2 weeks.

Grow Andie grow! Love momma.

One week down.... I need a nap

Well, we made it to Indiana a day late, apparently they get snow and a lot of it. So we packed up the jeep and the truck, and headed East. Camden was in his carseat surrounded by little pieces of our life from Illinois. Although it was incredibly bittersweet and difficult I knew the only pieces that mattered were the little boy in the back seat and the big boy in the truck in front of me.
I grew up being 5 minutes from every part of my family and seeing them whenever I wanted. When we moved to red bud I felt like I was 5 hours away and it killed me. Now that I really am 5 hours away its been an emotional roller coaster.

For 6 months I was without my husband and it was so hard. Only seeing him on the weekends was such a tease. Now that we are back together we are back in our first year of marriage again... Figuring out how to live together again.. That's a whole other post :-)

Camden is the one who we worry about... And he is perfect. As long as he has his mom, dad, Ollie, blanky, paci and crib he's good to go.

The first week being settled and alone with Camden was scary. I learned that being a stay at home mom is so hard. I mean real hard. You lose a sense of yourself and resort to Elmo and chicken fingers, oh, and the alphabet song! I've also learned that since I was at work, at class, etc Camden and I really haven't been mom and cam.. For a long period of time (since maternity leave). This makes me sad. I've been molding 140 "other people's kids" for nearly 5 years, and my little guy is just know learning from his mom. Tear.

My mom never stayed home with me, but I always felt like she had it together and wore 765 hats to get it all done. I have about 2 hats right now and I'm DAMN tired.

I've learned that I need to sloooooow down. Cherish every moment, the good, the bad and the ugly.

I have a lot of changing, growing up, and relaxing to do.

I feel I deserve a bag of Milano cookies for making it through the first week.... Don't mind if I do!!

Camden is such a cool kid and I thank all of the special people who helped him grow into the young dude he is today while I was at work!! The Bumblebeez staff, Tracy, Mom, Ma and Grammy, thank you!

-Love and hugs-
Megs

Andie Marie, I love thee.

Here I sit on this Thursday evening, really wanting to watch all 15 episodes of Real Housewives, Million Dollar Decorators, Intervention and Grey's Anatomy, but sometimes what you want isn't what you need. I need to write instead. As most of you know I am 1 class away from obtaining my Master's in School Counseling (GO ME! that's my personal cheerleader, thank you Meaghan!). During the program I have learned a lot, including coping skills, self talk, goal setting, and having realistic goals. As a person who gets counseling, it makes it even harder to be counseled...but my coping skill of choice is talking it out.. or writing it out tonight... begin story.

 

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have a great life. I am SEVERELY blessed, and I am not ashamed to say that. Most people are blessed, and you can see the "wonderfulness" on their face when they smile, the tone in their voice, when they are going about their daily business. All in all, people have really great days most days and an occasional bad day here and there. Those bad days I believe are what keeps us modest and honest.

 

Although I am no stranger to bad days, hard times, inconveniences, I have never had a horribly, awful, scare you to the bone, knock the wind out of you, flashback of your life, flash forward to the future type of experience.......................................until November 16, 2012.

This day I will never forget. ever.

 

Travis and I woke up early that morning to take Camden to the babysitter and then we came back to my parents house to get ready for the main event... GENDER REVEAL DAY! We guessed back and forth about if the baby was a girl or boy and our phones were alive with supportive text messages. We got ready.. I wore a pink sweater and a pink scarf to send pink vibes to my baby to become a girl.. because that's what sane people do. Trav and I went to 54th Street for lunch and then we made our way to the hospital to have our Ultrasound done.

 

Sitting in the waiting room I felt uneasy.. no one was nice on this day. I wanted to be like COME ON PEOPLE I FIND OUT THE SEX OF MY BABY.. don't be rude.. BE HAPPY! The ultrasound tech called us back and said are you finding out the sex.. DUH.. she said good, get on the table, lets go. Very matter of factly... so I did, and Travis sat next to me with his coffee and stared hopelessly at the screen (as did I). I looked over and said that I loved him.. and it began.

 

This is the femur, this is the spine, this is the head... BREECH.. boooo.. This is the.. blah blah blah... then she said.. are you ready... we both said YES and she said.. ITS A GIRL!!! I melted. Trav stayed quiet, but I know he melted too.  Awesome!! All I could think about was her and Camden being the best of friends and him defending her, and bows, cheerleading, sororities.. Travis chasing boys away.. etc. I thought to myself, OK thanks.. we will go now we got our news.

 

NOT SO FAST.

 

Then we started to hear things like... well shes a mover and shaker (duh.. shes going to be a dancer, cheerleader, president.. she has to be active).. I really cant get a good look..... if she doesn't cooperate we will have to bring the doctor in.....

 

tech leaves and gives me a potty break (1 hour in.... its almost been too long for an ultrasound...)

 

tech comes back in and looks at the same crap again.... "Is everything OK??" "Hunny, I have a lot to look at still"...... (I think to myself... False... LIAR!!!!)...... Tech leaves to go get the doctor.........

 

I sit up and look at Travis.... "Babe, something is wrong" He assures me that everything is OK, because hes my rock, and has to, but he knew too.. we both sat there.

 

The doctor came back in and started looking at baby girl... there was deafening silence. I could hear my heart in my head... the pulsing. what seemed like 5 hours ended and he turned all the machines off and pulled up a chair.

 

I sat up.. bracing myself, but for what??

 

"Your daughter has something wrong with her heart. I think its a defect called...... akdfjlakdfsjadsjf.........(he talks forever).........."this is normally associated with one of the Trisomy's" I begin to cry. Its a weird cry... Its an "I have to be strong cry, oh my god, I think I am going to pass out cry, a SHUT UP IVE HEARD ENOUGH cry".

 

Then I felt Travis's hand on my back. It was warm, it was shaking, and I knew this wasn't a nightmare or dream. It was real. I could feel something other than the vomit creeping up my throat, the air escaping my lungs, and the prickles on the back of my neck.

 

The doctor gave us "options" and since I was in outer space I had no recollection of what "options" he gave us. Travis and the doctor explained to me the different tests that he recommended, told us a little more about her sweet baby heart and then left us to our thoughts and the tech to draw blood.

 

It was now 430 on Friday afternoon, no doctor to call, and I was told that we would know if our daughter had Down Syndrome, Trisomy 18 or Trisomy 13 in 1-2 weeks and that the holiday (thanksgiving) would probably post pone the results, etc. They told us that we would have an echo cardiogram the following week to look at her heart to confirm what was going on.

 

It was the worst weekend of my life, and I am sure it was equally horrible for Travis. I got on the internet and started to research which was stupid, but when you have no answers, you look for them yourself. I spoke to a doctor friend of mine and he gave me peace of mind and I was able to be normal for about 3 hours before Travis left to go home. I wouldn't wish that sadness or scared-ness on my worst enemy.

 

My doctor called me that Monday and apologized for the news and assured me that we would have a better picture as each test came back. She was comforting, but never gave us false hope either. Tuesday Mom and I drove to Children's Hospital in St. Louis to see her heart. After 3 hours of ultrasound and being pushed on (by AMAZING doctors by the way) we had answer #1.

 

Atrioventricular Septal Defect- AVSD- Two holes in the septum of the heart. Confirmed.

 

Two amazing doctors came in and explained everything to me, and said that with surgery most children live normal lives, and there is usually only one surgery needed. They also told me scary things like feeding tubes, open heart surgery, stroke, medicine, pace maker, etc... but I heard NORMAL and I clung to that.

 

This sweet angel in my tummy was made like this.. this is what she knows.. this IS her normal.. and get ready momma.. this is YOUR normal.

 

I didn't cry at this appointment.. I kept my composure and walked out of that amazing hospital.. drove home, dropped my mom off and went for a drive.

 

If any of you know the feeling of losing it because you are so mad, so confused, so helpless.. I am sorry. I called my husband and lost it. absolutely lost it. How was this happening.. "WHY" I screamed.. "WHY"... I watched my daughter move around, donkey kick me, swallow the amniotic fluid, suck her thumb, and play in my tummy. How could she have such a hard road ahead. I told Travis all I could say about the defect over the phone, in between tears, screaming and sorrow.

 

Travis drove 4.5 hours to be with me that night and we sat together in my room and sorted through our thoughts. It was perfect. And we put our game faces on. It was time to be the parents.. to fight like hell for our daughter.

 

Answer #2. On the Monday after Thanksgiving, I received a call from the genetic counselor at MOBAP. Before I answered I prayed to God, Jesus, anyone that was listening and  answered the phone. She said "Meaghan, I have your results from your MaterniT21 test".. I pulled over on the side of the road because Camden was with me.."your results are all normal" I sobbed in relief. I thanked her and hung up. Immediately I called Travis and told him... "AWESOME" he said. I hadn't heard Travis that ecstatic in weeks, it was amazing.

 

As each answer is revealed we know a little bit more about our daughter. Had all of the results came back worse case scenario, I would have loved her just the same as I love her now and will love her as she grows up to be big and strong. A friend at work summed it up perfectly, she is a daughter, and because of that, she is going to keep you on your toes.. starting now until forever. At this point I am at peace with what her diagnosis is. I am not naive, and understand that things will probably get sucky again before they get better. All I know is that I have 18.5 weeks to get her as big and healthy as I can in my belly and prepare her for her life outside of me. This experience has made me realize that being a parent is some scary stuff, and has made me humble and appreciative for the little things.

 

I go to the doctor tomorrow and I am terrified. However, this tiny little girl reminds me always with each kick and roll that she is strong and ready to take on the world. I have really great days, and I also have really sad days. All of these days are in the book of Andie, therefore they are so very special to our family.

 

Travis and I finally named our baby girl: Andria Marie Krukemeier and she will be called, Andie.

 

Meet Andie:

xo

Meaghan

Seriously? You're kidding? No? Yes?

All these comments were the words out of Trav's and my mouth on August 12 when we found out we were going to be parents to another child. Then we quickly realized we had to continue to parent Camden... Holy _____ we will have TWO!!

I'm going to be very candid and honest. I wasn't jumping for glee and sending out streamers and fireworks this time. Although I've always been the wild ass kid, the one who "made" everyone do the bad things... I am a planner. This my friends, was not planned. We live with our parents, in different states for goodness sake! How could this Happen? Well I won't paint a picture or explain, we all took biology.. I used to teach it.. You'd think I'd listen to myself!! :-)

After the crying stopped and Travis gave me his "once a year" hug, I knew it was going to be ok. The excitement set in. I still worry, a lot, but that's normal I think. After I met my sweet angel #2 all my thoughts of why? Went away. I have a baby in my belly who will be Cams best friend, or worst nightmare, a little person who will add awesomeness to our life, and who will give me the opportunity to cherish all the firsts again.

I'm not super religious, but I do think stuff happens for a reason. I believe with every part of my red self that this sweet surprise was given to us for a purpose.

Now that I have a grasp on this pregnancy, I'm looking forward to all it has to offer. I'm done beating myself up over thinking those weird thoughts in the beginning. I think they are healthy, because as all us parents know..it's definitely not rainbows and unicorns.. Well ever.

The not yet glowing mom-
Megs

Letting it all Hang out..PG 13.

Well hello my Internet "spill your beans" spot, I have missed you. I share my life with everyone and I am pretty open about my stuff. Lately, I have been very secretive and I feel toxic. I am letting a little out each day, and its helping, but I still have some things to come clean about. Those close to me know all my deep dark secrets, but many don't, and never will know ALL my dark secrets.

I think about writing here often. I have all these great thoughts on my way to work and I think to myself, just make time to sit down and write about your life, that way you will remember how you felt at that second. RIIIIGGGHHHT... and like I have time for that. I barely get to have a good pee by myself.

I am feeling a lot of randomness tonight, so this post may not make any sense, as many aspects of my life seems to follow this exact trend.

I was born and raised in the same town that my parents met. I graduated from the same high school that my parents did, and with the same group of friends I went to grade school with. Needless to say, I bleed this town. well, I bled this town.

I went away to school and met Travis, got married, you know the story. Anyways, Travis relocated to my "area" because that was how it was. He hasn't lived back in Indy since 1943, and we were making our own spot close to my old spot.

This blog is based around the game: ONE WORD.. GO.

So lets focus on an aspect of this phrase at a time: ONE WORD..... TRUST.

Travis and I went through a time in our relationship when we both were questioning what our life would end up like, and if we would work together, etc. etc. I remember weighing the pros and cons and the fact that I could trust him with my life,and with my future kids life resonated with me. FAST FORWARD 9 years, and that word TRUST comes back to get my brain-a-stirring.

Last Spring, Travis asked me to look deep into my heart and to trust him with a BIG change. He approached me with the fact that he didn't like his job and that there needed to be a change in order for us to be where we wanted to be. So Travis and I decided to move back to his home, Indy to make a go of it with his family business. After crying a lot and being super selfish, I realized that there comes a point in your life when reality takes precedence over your fairytale.

Not telling anyone but our families, and super close friends, we put our house up for sale, sold it in July (after only being on the market 12 weeks) and moved out of Waterloo. I remember the day I left Waterloo, I sat in the room that we brought Camden home to, and cried. I walked into the bathroom that I painted forty times and cried again.. DAMMIT! WHY DID I WASTE MY TIME WITH THE LAST PAINT JOB! I walked to my mailbox and looked up at our front porch, that we built, and cried again. It literally was the hardest thing, walking away from that house. The weird thing was, I wasn't even in love with that house. I was in love with the memories. Trav hugged me and assured me that those memories will always be with us, and that we will have many more memories in our new place that we choose.

After we left Waterloo, we drove to O'Fallon.

O'Fallon will be my home until December. That's right kids, I live with my parents, my senior in high school, brother and my baby. Life is NUTS.

Travis lives with his parents, and works with his dad at their family business. I get to see husband on the weekends, ONLY. I take back a previous statement, THIS is the hardest thing. Every Sunday I get that sad feeling, and it lingers until about Tuesday, and then I start to get excited again about him coming to visit, or us going there to see our love.

ONE WORD... GO......

Go with it. That's all we can do. I am so excited for my husband and for us, all that lies ahead. The possibilities are endless.

am I scared? you bet your tuchus I am.

In December I get my family back together, and that is worth more to me than anything. However, its a double edged sword. We get a clean slate at a new opportunity, but I also leave my family for the first time in 27 years, my friends since FOREVER, and the job that I absolutely love. It will be bittersweet.

Needless to say, I have been holding in our family secret, and boy does it feel good to write about that. Thanks blogger for letting me write in my diary tonight. Momma needed it. To wrap up:

We are moving to Indy! Its been real STL.

and NO..
I will never answer to HOOSIER. (us Illinois people know what HOOSIER really means).



Peace, Love and Sleeping in the bedroom next to your parents..........awesome.

It's been awhile

It's been awhile since I wrote.. As usual. I literally have a list with 17 topics of discussion. I was so looking forward to diving into those topics and writing my thoughts. What's funny though, is the fact that when I think "I want to write about X because of Y" I don't... And then I add it my list of shit to write about because it seems important to my life. BUT then, I get the moment to write and I forget why I even gave a flip.

I have a chip on my shoulder tonight, and I want it to go away. I begin my summer classes tomorrow and internship on Tuesday. I am taking 3 classes and is going to be a son of a biscuit eater because I legit will only see my family on Friday- Sunday nights. So this is when you feel bad for me. I will be at "work" from 8-? And then class from 5-10 Tuesday's and Thursday's, class from 8-10 Monday's and Wednesday's. I am preaching to the choir... I know this. Life gets busy and you just have to roll with it.

The big "what the whattttttt" is the fact that I don't get to stay home during the day this summer. Travis makes fun of me because I'm a little depressed by this, and he's all like "every other person in the world works year round".......... Congratulations, your gold medal is in the mail.
The problem is, I am used to being home due to the fact that I'm a teacher and I mentally prepare myself for my brain numbing blob that I become. If I was used to working year round I would find other times to detach my head and be relaxed.

So there you have it. Pissed off at life Meaghan.

On a lighter note, this weekend was perfect. Even though Travis didn't catch me a catfish... It was still perfect.

I hope my advisor is right in saying... Meaghan, you'll get through the busy time and look back thinking, how in the hell did I make it through.

Here's to all you, you have worked your tail off all while making it through and being pretty awesome while doing whatever it was! I cheers to you.. With my delicious margarita.

Happy June.
Xo
Megs