Andie Marie, I love thee.

Here I sit on this Thursday evening, really wanting to watch all 15 episodes of Real Housewives, Million Dollar Decorators, Intervention and Grey's Anatomy, but sometimes what you want isn't what you need. I need to write instead. As most of you know I am 1 class away from obtaining my Master's in School Counseling (GO ME! that's my personal cheerleader, thank you Meaghan!). During the program I have learned a lot, including coping skills, self talk, goal setting, and having realistic goals. As a person who gets counseling, it makes it even harder to be counseled...but my coping skill of choice is talking it out.. or writing it out tonight... begin story.

 

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have a great life. I am SEVERELY blessed, and I am not ashamed to say that. Most people are blessed, and you can see the "wonderfulness" on their face when they smile, the tone in their voice, when they are going about their daily business. All in all, people have really great days most days and an occasional bad day here and there. Those bad days I believe are what keeps us modest and honest.

 

Although I am no stranger to bad days, hard times, inconveniences, I have never had a horribly, awful, scare you to the bone, knock the wind out of you, flashback of your life, flash forward to the future type of experience.......................................until November 16, 2012.

This day I will never forget. ever.

 

Travis and I woke up early that morning to take Camden to the babysitter and then we came back to my parents house to get ready for the main event... GENDER REVEAL DAY! We guessed back and forth about if the baby was a girl or boy and our phones were alive with supportive text messages. We got ready.. I wore a pink sweater and a pink scarf to send pink vibes to my baby to become a girl.. because that's what sane people do. Trav and I went to 54th Street for lunch and then we made our way to the hospital to have our Ultrasound done.

 

Sitting in the waiting room I felt uneasy.. no one was nice on this day. I wanted to be like COME ON PEOPLE I FIND OUT THE SEX OF MY BABY.. don't be rude.. BE HAPPY! The ultrasound tech called us back and said are you finding out the sex.. DUH.. she said good, get on the table, lets go. Very matter of factly... so I did, and Travis sat next to me with his coffee and stared hopelessly at the screen (as did I). I looked over and said that I loved him.. and it began.

 

This is the femur, this is the spine, this is the head... BREECH.. boooo.. This is the.. blah blah blah... then she said.. are you ready... we both said YES and she said.. ITS A GIRL!!! I melted. Trav stayed quiet, but I know he melted too.  Awesome!! All I could think about was her and Camden being the best of friends and him defending her, and bows, cheerleading, sororities.. Travis chasing boys away.. etc. I thought to myself, OK thanks.. we will go now we got our news.

 

NOT SO FAST.

 

Then we started to hear things like... well shes a mover and shaker (duh.. shes going to be a dancer, cheerleader, president.. she has to be active).. I really cant get a good look..... if she doesn't cooperate we will have to bring the doctor in.....

 

tech leaves and gives me a potty break (1 hour in.... its almost been too long for an ultrasound...)

 

tech comes back in and looks at the same crap again.... "Is everything OK??" "Hunny, I have a lot to look at still"...... (I think to myself... False... LIAR!!!!)...... Tech leaves to go get the doctor.........

 

I sit up and look at Travis.... "Babe, something is wrong" He assures me that everything is OK, because hes my rock, and has to, but he knew too.. we both sat there.

 

The doctor came back in and started looking at baby girl... there was deafening silence. I could hear my heart in my head... the pulsing. what seemed like 5 hours ended and he turned all the machines off and pulled up a chair.

 

I sat up.. bracing myself, but for what??

 

"Your daughter has something wrong with her heart. I think its a defect called...... akdfjlakdfsjadsjf.........(he talks forever).........."this is normally associated with one of the Trisomy's" I begin to cry. Its a weird cry... Its an "I have to be strong cry, oh my god, I think I am going to pass out cry, a SHUT UP IVE HEARD ENOUGH cry".

 

Then I felt Travis's hand on my back. It was warm, it was shaking, and I knew this wasn't a nightmare or dream. It was real. I could feel something other than the vomit creeping up my throat, the air escaping my lungs, and the prickles on the back of my neck.

 

The doctor gave us "options" and since I was in outer space I had no recollection of what "options" he gave us. Travis and the doctor explained to me the different tests that he recommended, told us a little more about her sweet baby heart and then left us to our thoughts and the tech to draw blood.

 

It was now 430 on Friday afternoon, no doctor to call, and I was told that we would know if our daughter had Down Syndrome, Trisomy 18 or Trisomy 13 in 1-2 weeks and that the holiday (thanksgiving) would probably post pone the results, etc. They told us that we would have an echo cardiogram the following week to look at her heart to confirm what was going on.

 

It was the worst weekend of my life, and I am sure it was equally horrible for Travis. I got on the internet and started to research which was stupid, but when you have no answers, you look for them yourself. I spoke to a doctor friend of mine and he gave me peace of mind and I was able to be normal for about 3 hours before Travis left to go home. I wouldn't wish that sadness or scared-ness on my worst enemy.

 

My doctor called me that Monday and apologized for the news and assured me that we would have a better picture as each test came back. She was comforting, but never gave us false hope either. Tuesday Mom and I drove to Children's Hospital in St. Louis to see her heart. After 3 hours of ultrasound and being pushed on (by AMAZING doctors by the way) we had answer #1.

 

Atrioventricular Septal Defect- AVSD- Two holes in the septum of the heart. Confirmed.

 

Two amazing doctors came in and explained everything to me, and said that with surgery most children live normal lives, and there is usually only one surgery needed. They also told me scary things like feeding tubes, open heart surgery, stroke, medicine, pace maker, etc... but I heard NORMAL and I clung to that.

 

This sweet angel in my tummy was made like this.. this is what she knows.. this IS her normal.. and get ready momma.. this is YOUR normal.

 

I didn't cry at this appointment.. I kept my composure and walked out of that amazing hospital.. drove home, dropped my mom off and went for a drive.

 

If any of you know the feeling of losing it because you are so mad, so confused, so helpless.. I am sorry. I called my husband and lost it. absolutely lost it. How was this happening.. "WHY" I screamed.. "WHY"... I watched my daughter move around, donkey kick me, swallow the amniotic fluid, suck her thumb, and play in my tummy. How could she have such a hard road ahead. I told Travis all I could say about the defect over the phone, in between tears, screaming and sorrow.

 

Travis drove 4.5 hours to be with me that night and we sat together in my room and sorted through our thoughts. It was perfect. And we put our game faces on. It was time to be the parents.. to fight like hell for our daughter.

 

Answer #2. On the Monday after Thanksgiving, I received a call from the genetic counselor at MOBAP. Before I answered I prayed to God, Jesus, anyone that was listening and  answered the phone. She said "Meaghan, I have your results from your MaterniT21 test".. I pulled over on the side of the road because Camden was with me.."your results are all normal" I sobbed in relief. I thanked her and hung up. Immediately I called Travis and told him... "AWESOME" he said. I hadn't heard Travis that ecstatic in weeks, it was amazing.

 

As each answer is revealed we know a little bit more about our daughter. Had all of the results came back worse case scenario, I would have loved her just the same as I love her now and will love her as she grows up to be big and strong. A friend at work summed it up perfectly, she is a daughter, and because of that, she is going to keep you on your toes.. starting now until forever. At this point I am at peace with what her diagnosis is. I am not naive, and understand that things will probably get sucky again before they get better. All I know is that I have 18.5 weeks to get her as big and healthy as I can in my belly and prepare her for her life outside of me. This experience has made me realize that being a parent is some scary stuff, and has made me humble and appreciative for the little things.

 

I go to the doctor tomorrow and I am terrified. However, this tiny little girl reminds me always with each kick and roll that she is strong and ready to take on the world. I have really great days, and I also have really sad days. All of these days are in the book of Andie, therefore they are so very special to our family.

 

Travis and I finally named our baby girl: Andria Marie Krukemeier and she will be called, Andie.

 

Meet Andie:

xo

Meaghan

Seriously? You're kidding? No? Yes?

All these comments were the words out of Trav's and my mouth on August 12 when we found out we were going to be parents to another child. Then we quickly realized we had to continue to parent Camden... Holy _____ we will have TWO!!

I'm going to be very candid and honest. I wasn't jumping for glee and sending out streamers and fireworks this time. Although I've always been the wild ass kid, the one who "made" everyone do the bad things... I am a planner. This my friends, was not planned. We live with our parents, in different states for goodness sake! How could this Happen? Well I won't paint a picture or explain, we all took biology.. I used to teach it.. You'd think I'd listen to myself!! :-)

After the crying stopped and Travis gave me his "once a year" hug, I knew it was going to be ok. The excitement set in. I still worry, a lot, but that's normal I think. After I met my sweet angel #2 all my thoughts of why? Went away. I have a baby in my belly who will be Cams best friend, or worst nightmare, a little person who will add awesomeness to our life, and who will give me the opportunity to cherish all the firsts again.

I'm not super religious, but I do think stuff happens for a reason. I believe with every part of my red self that this sweet surprise was given to us for a purpose.

Now that I have a grasp on this pregnancy, I'm looking forward to all it has to offer. I'm done beating myself up over thinking those weird thoughts in the beginning. I think they are healthy, because as all us parents know..it's definitely not rainbows and unicorns.. Well ever.

The not yet glowing mom-
Megs

Letting it all Hang out..PG 13.

Well hello my Internet "spill your beans" spot, I have missed you. I share my life with everyone and I am pretty open about my stuff. Lately, I have been very secretive and I feel toxic. I am letting a little out each day, and its helping, but I still have some things to come clean about. Those close to me know all my deep dark secrets, but many don't, and never will know ALL my dark secrets.

I think about writing here often. I have all these great thoughts on my way to work and I think to myself, just make time to sit down and write about your life, that way you will remember how you felt at that second. RIIIIGGGHHHT... and like I have time for that. I barely get to have a good pee by myself.

I am feeling a lot of randomness tonight, so this post may not make any sense, as many aspects of my life seems to follow this exact trend.

I was born and raised in the same town that my parents met. I graduated from the same high school that my parents did, and with the same group of friends I went to grade school with. Needless to say, I bleed this town. well, I bled this town.

I went away to school and met Travis, got married, you know the story. Anyways, Travis relocated to my "area" because that was how it was. He hasn't lived back in Indy since 1943, and we were making our own spot close to my old spot.

This blog is based around the game: ONE WORD.. GO.

So lets focus on an aspect of this phrase at a time: ONE WORD..... TRUST.

Travis and I went through a time in our relationship when we both were questioning what our life would end up like, and if we would work together, etc. etc. I remember weighing the pros and cons and the fact that I could trust him with my life,and with my future kids life resonated with me. FAST FORWARD 9 years, and that word TRUST comes back to get my brain-a-stirring.

Last Spring, Travis asked me to look deep into my heart and to trust him with a BIG change. He approached me with the fact that he didn't like his job and that there needed to be a change in order for us to be where we wanted to be. So Travis and I decided to move back to his home, Indy to make a go of it with his family business. After crying a lot and being super selfish, I realized that there comes a point in your life when reality takes precedence over your fairytale.

Not telling anyone but our families, and super close friends, we put our house up for sale, sold it in July (after only being on the market 12 weeks) and moved out of Waterloo. I remember the day I left Waterloo, I sat in the room that we brought Camden home to, and cried. I walked into the bathroom that I painted forty times and cried again.. DAMMIT! WHY DID I WASTE MY TIME WITH THE LAST PAINT JOB! I walked to my mailbox and looked up at our front porch, that we built, and cried again. It literally was the hardest thing, walking away from that house. The weird thing was, I wasn't even in love with that house. I was in love with the memories. Trav hugged me and assured me that those memories will always be with us, and that we will have many more memories in our new place that we choose.

After we left Waterloo, we drove to O'Fallon.

O'Fallon will be my home until December. That's right kids, I live with my parents, my senior in high school, brother and my baby. Life is NUTS.

Travis lives with his parents, and works with his dad at their family business. I get to see husband on the weekends, ONLY. I take back a previous statement, THIS is the hardest thing. Every Sunday I get that sad feeling, and it lingers until about Tuesday, and then I start to get excited again about him coming to visit, or us going there to see our love.

ONE WORD... GO......

Go with it. That's all we can do. I am so excited for my husband and for us, all that lies ahead. The possibilities are endless.

am I scared? you bet your tuchus I am.

In December I get my family back together, and that is worth more to me than anything. However, its a double edged sword. We get a clean slate at a new opportunity, but I also leave my family for the first time in 27 years, my friends since FOREVER, and the job that I absolutely love. It will be bittersweet.

Needless to say, I have been holding in our family secret, and boy does it feel good to write about that. Thanks blogger for letting me write in my diary tonight. Momma needed it. To wrap up:

We are moving to Indy! Its been real STL.

and NO..
I will never answer to HOOSIER. (us Illinois people know what HOOSIER really means).



Peace, Love and Sleeping in the bedroom next to your parents..........awesome.

It's been awhile

It's been awhile since I wrote.. As usual. I literally have a list with 17 topics of discussion. I was so looking forward to diving into those topics and writing my thoughts. What's funny though, is the fact that when I think "I want to write about X because of Y" I don't... And then I add it my list of shit to write about because it seems important to my life. BUT then, I get the moment to write and I forget why I even gave a flip.

I have a chip on my shoulder tonight, and I want it to go away. I begin my summer classes tomorrow and internship on Tuesday. I am taking 3 classes and is going to be a son of a biscuit eater because I legit will only see my family on Friday- Sunday nights. So this is when you feel bad for me. I will be at "work" from 8-? And then class from 5-10 Tuesday's and Thursday's, class from 8-10 Monday's and Wednesday's. I am preaching to the choir... I know this. Life gets busy and you just have to roll with it.

The big "what the whattttttt" is the fact that I don't get to stay home during the day this summer. Travis makes fun of me because I'm a little depressed by this, and he's all like "every other person in the world works year round".......... Congratulations, your gold medal is in the mail.
The problem is, I am used to being home due to the fact that I'm a teacher and I mentally prepare myself for my brain numbing blob that I become. If I was used to working year round I would find other times to detach my head and be relaxed.

So there you have it. Pissed off at life Meaghan.

On a lighter note, this weekend was perfect. Even though Travis didn't catch me a catfish... It was still perfect.

I hope my advisor is right in saying... Meaghan, you'll get through the busy time and look back thinking, how in the hell did I make it through.

Here's to all you, you have worked your tail off all while making it through and being pretty awesome while doing whatever it was! I cheers to you.. With my delicious margarita.

Happy June.
Xo
Megs

down with the weirdness

I am back. Its been a LONG time. So much to write about, but no time. Since I wrote last time, grad school picked back up, my student teacher came and went, my NHS kids were inducted, my best friends bridal shower came, her bachelorette party came, Camden started to crawl, school got hard, work got stressful, and my best friend got married. wahhhhhh. We are NOT young... and the world will set us on Fiyahhhhh.

I want to write about the said instances, but i have no time alone, like ever.

years ago, I wanted to be surrounded by people.

now

I

Lurk

in the

Dark.

I cherish my time alone.. and not in a weird pervy way.

I love my family, I love being with my boys. However, since Camden is mobile now, and my life has flipped its shit and decided to speed up, Meaghan really likes her down time.

So with that being said, this lady is going to surf the Internet in search for cute outfits (I really want the Tiffany colored Nike's...is that weird?) and jewelery. I am going to drink my wine, read the most sluttiest book ever, read about the fact that Beyonce probably had a surrogate, and then pass out. Ill probably throw in some BRAVO time too.. before Trav turns on that blasted storage wars....

CHEERS

In like a Lion, Out like a Lamb

I can feel it in my bones.

 

Spring has SpRuNg!!!!

You know how I know this? Well let me tell you..

(my spell check wont work.. FYI so don't judge my spelling, or lack thereof)

1. Travis is gone on the weekend again. When it's fall he's gone, hunting Bambi and when it's spring/summer he is fishing. When he isn't, he falls into a state of depression and throws temper tantrums. I was reminded of those awesome moments today when I said that we had a lot to do and that fishing may not be an option. One would think that I had two children. Now I am painting a bad picture of Trav, and that's not fair. Hunting is to Trav as talking on the phone is to me... pretty important.

2. My iTunes bill is going up. Every spring, summer I really want to have the BEST tunes to blare when my windows are down. So far, I have two that I am OBSESSED with. Gotye and Fun. Love these guys!

3. My skin is dry. Usually right before winter leaves us, my skin goes all ape shit and gets nasty. Except for last year, when I was 6 months pregnant and I was glowing and everything was perfect. Thankfully, DOVE has come out with something called, winter rescue. Amazing. My skin is also dry from me SPRING cleaning.

4. Travis is sick. Travis is always sick when the seasons change. Zyrtec please. Theraflu Please. This means that he will be a mouth breather, like Corey from Teen Mom. uck. God Love him.

5. Its walk around the neighborhood time. Everyone in our neighborhood walks, every night. Since I have a baby, I joined the crowd. HOORAY. Today was fantastic, Camden put a jacket on, and off we went. I used to walk Ollie, but hes too out of shape, and lays down on the sidewalk, refusing to move. Yep, its grand.

6. I was at my parents house this weekend, and I looked out in their backyard. Much like I did when I was little, to find the tiny sprouts of the Daffodils. Thats a true sign that Spring is a coming!

7. Easter crap is out. Cadbery eggs and all.. woof.

8. Momma wants to SHOPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP. Last year I wasnt able to partake because my body was morphed, and my ankles couldnt withstand a cute pair of wedges. Guess what.. Game on.

9. Prom season. I was driving to work the other day and along the side of the road, there were homemade signs that read " Taylor..... ____________ ....will..... you..... go.... to..... prom..... with ....me?...... From: ______". It was precious. All the kids at school are twitterpaited... its actually quite annoying.. and gross, people are making out everywhere. Worst of all, the break ups after prom.. WATCH OUT.. it World War High School.

10. This is the last week with a February date. HOORAHHHH!

Enjoy the Oscars Kids!

xo Megs xo

*BOO* I scared you

OK so I am not a "frady" cat (I mean I can almost make it through Paranormal Activity and ALL of Chucky), but some things really really make me nervous. When Meaghan is nervous, all I do it fret about that, and then I get zits. Then I fret about my zits and then lose my hair. vicious cycle. Sometimes the nerves are over important things and then sometimes not so important things.

At this moment, I am nervous that someone is going to walk into my office and catch me blogging, and rocking out to something with cuss words......in a school. GASP!!!!!!!!!!!!! Another thing I am nervous about at this moment is that my soda is almost empty and that gives me anxiety.

REAL TALK-

Camden is 7 months young.

BOO! KAPOW! SHAZING! WHAP! (whatever else was on my batman underwear when I was little).

The fact that Camden is 7 months old frightens me. It shakes my core. Not because he is growing up so quick *sobs* but because there are super important things to worry and deal with at this age. First and foremost, this is the age of teeth. I mean, teeth are no joke people. Sometimes I feel like I could end up in the corner of some dark room rocking back and forth because teeth make my sweet angel into the exorcist. Friends that don't have children are probably annoyed by my Facebook posts regarding teeth, but holy geez. ENOUGH ALREADY. I read the most depressing thing yesterday... every child will get 20 teeth. EXCUSE ME? 20... Cam hasn't even birthed one of those buggers and you expect me, Meaghan, moi, to deal with 20 teeth. I knew it was coming for me, all those nights I snuck out of the house, or lied to my  parents, or did not so nice things.. yep, Karma, Hi, Welcome to the Krukemeier House. I think I will put the garlic, crosses and wood stakes out this weekend. Stuffs getting wild round here.

Secondly, now that Camden is on the downside of the year. Hes on the grown up side if you will.. hes getting further and further away from baby. This means he is supposed to be reaching certain milestones. This freaks me out. This doesn't freak me out because I don't think that he will achieve these goals, but I am nervous in the sense that people are going to judge him. I know how parents are, and I know how kids are, and frankly they are MEAN. I have a feeling this is the beginning of the "judging" age. I am here to karate chop people for you Camden. If you don't want to crawl or walk until your 40.. that's OK. Ill donkey kick people who look at you with side eye. Better yet, I will have Daddy donkey kick.. hes REAL good at it. (I'm not kidding, its pretty legit).

Thirdly, Now that Cam is 7 months, I am starting to get nervous about number two. UMM NO.. I'm NOT expecting. I don't know what is going on with my brain, but I am starting to forget all the sweet things about baby stage, and in my weird world, to fix this.. have another. I worry about making the right decision about having another. When is it right? When are you ready? AHH ZIT! What if Camden hates the new baby? Will I love the second one as much? A lot of my friends are on their second, so I think I will sit back and enjoy their show. The only things I am capable of having another of is, pizza, beer, soda, piece of candy and when I am real wild, a rummy bear.

Enough rambling already. I know people are thinking, "GET A GRIP MEGS". So I will leave you with a picture that describes my life... and then I need to go finish planning my Honor Society Banquet..HA.

peace, love and Teeth.