Grocery List gone Haywire

This post began as a grocery list as I sit on the couch with swollen feet, 39 weeks pregnant and a toddler that is sweeter than candy today. As I was writing my grocery I looked over to check on Camden and he was looking up at the TV fake singing to sesame street and dancing back and forth. What a happy baby. Yes. He will always be my baby.

I don't know if its because I know Andie will be here soon or what, but I'm noticing that my little guy is actually turning into a young boy. I am flooded with many many emotions as we near the end of our second pregnancy, which is probably our last. That's a whole other post about that craziness.

Andie was not planned, but as I have said before... She was given to us for a reason and we are SO excited to meet her. On the other side of the coin, did we jip Camden of being an only child for a little longer?

I found myself crying the other night because I realized he would never remember life as the three of us. He will never remember the nights that Travis and I just sat and watched him in awe or the mornings when Travis and I would both go into his room and wake him up because we were so excited to be with him. He has a hold of both our hearts and now I'm sad that he won't remember how much effort and love we put into him as our one and only. Is this insane??

I was an only child for 10 years and I remember all the memories of my childhood, but I also can't imagine not having my brother. He truly is a blessing to me, and I am confident that Camden will be there for Andie and they will grow up to be the best of friends and worst of enemies :)

I have this overwhelming feeling of love as I try and give Camden all that I've got in this last week of the three of us. What an amazing 20 months its been. We have gone through so much as a family and it makes me soo proud to see that sweet smile on our sons face, proving to us, that despite all of the crazy in our lives we have succeeded in keeping the most important thing safe and sound.. The happiness of our son and the love between us.

Better get off the Internet- I have a son to spoil.

Hugs-
Megs

Chapter Chaos Closed

Here it is, D Day. Travis and I signed on the dotted line Tuesday and we will move into our new home slowly all weekend. I am so excited to have my own home to raise my kids in, to have my little family together, with out the help of grandparents on a daily basis. However, Without that help, I am confident that I would not have made it through this exceptionally difficult time we have endured. The grandparents were a beautiful distraction while Travis and I fought for our sanity and they also gave our son an amount of love that I will forever be grateful for. Although Camden will not leave unscathed... He now has an obsession with watches, that he prefers to wear as necklaces, watching birds, barn boots and the notorious bull.

As we start unpacking boxes I am reminded that there was once a time that it was just Travis and I. Things seemed so easy back then and I know as time goes on I'll look back at my children and say "it was so easy when they were ____ age".

When I pulled up to our house last night to meet Travis, he had a huge smile on his face. It was a smile I hadn't seen in a while. He was so proud. Rightfully so! He has managed to move his family to another state, he works hard...really hard to make the best possible life he can for his family, and he rarely complains..... I didn't say NEVER :)


I am so proud of my husband. He truly is my saving grace and I thank the man upstairs everyday for giving our family this opportunity. I'd also like to thank all our family and friends for the support and for being our roomies through, with out a doubt, the most challenging time of our lives.

Now I wait for yet another chapter in the Kruk Book o Life--- Andie Marie

Make new friends but keep the old

I feel that certain people are placed into your life for a reason. Some people aren't great influences but in the end help you find your way, while others are there for support and some are simply just angels to guide you through.

This whole transition to Indianapolis has given me much to think about and I feel like everything has come full circle.

This post was written under the influence of Girl Scout cookies. As I sit and pound thin mints I was reflecting on my time as a Girl Scout. One memory comes to mind- Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the others gold. As a kid this song didn't mean much because you changed friends as quickly as you found a new BFF necklace. But as I grow up and new people are coming into my life I feel this overwhelming appreciation for specific people and circumstances.

A few weeks ago I joined a moms group at a local church and as we all know, I'm not what someone would call religious. Sure I believe in a greater good, but I'm not a regular. In this group we were asked to reflect on people who have come into our lives and why we thought they were placed there. I went all the way back to birth and then realized I was being superficial and needed to be honest.

There are those friends who have stuck by your side since 1st grade and you can still pick up right where you left off after months of not speaking. Luckily we all still love each other after going through all of our awkward states. I remember putting on parades, running through the snow in bathing suits, running away from home with suitcases, playing Olympics, playing in the creek and eating June bugs. I believe that these people continue to be placed in my life at specific times as I grow because they have a purpose in my life.

In highschool I met my best gal. No questions asked, we became inseparable nearly immediately. We needed each other to instigate trouble and to be there for each other for all the heart aches, fights with our dads, and to create a friendship that I know cannot be broken. She was my maid of honor, is the god mother to my son and the aunt to my children. She's the super sweet version of me and I know she was a person sent to me to protect me and to share memories with, old and new.

When I entered into my adult life I was lucky enough to go to college with a friend mentioned before, and we conquered college together. College is where I am sure specific people were placed into my life for specific reasons. I met one of these people the first day of English 102 class when we struck up a conversation about randomness and then ended up becoming pledge sisters. It was so random and genuine, I'll never forget that meeting, ever. Another person I met was one who I played dress up with our first night living in the delta zeta house. I have a picture of us as a bride and super turtle from that night.. And we became roomies. Another random and chance meeting that I'm sure wasn't random or chance at all.

I also met my husband in college and I am positive that he was sent to me to be my friend, my confidant, my laughter, and the father of my children. He's my person when my girlie persons aren't around. To be someone who is strong when I am weak and will tell me the truth always.

In my professional life I believe that I was paired up with specific people to guide me through and to mold me the way that I was supposed to end up as an educator. I learned a lot about the real world through these people and the experiences that we shared. I was able to grow up, surrounded by my work family to help guide me through the different times of my life I would encounter while working with them. I miss them.

As I go down the list of important people I come to my children.

Camden was given to me to teach me patience and an unimaginable love, that only parents understand. I believe he was given to me first because, like his dad, he's solid. He's a rock, unwavering and very calm and collected. To prepare us for what was to come. To be the best big brother ever. I believe that it takes a special person to be a great sibling and that is what baby Andie will need.

Andie has been chosen for us, I'm confident in that statement. We weren't planning her and frankly she has been a "head scratcher"baby since day one. I was meant to be her mom and Travis is meant to be her dad. As scary as her journey has been its what was planned for us. I was given to my parents for some reason.. I'm sure they are still questioning what they did wrong..

As I go through and reflect on my meetings with people, it's interesting to see how many people have impacted my life in such different ways.

While sitting at the mommy group table we were sharing stories and I shared Andie's story, our story. It was difficult because I didn't know these women, but the tears just came down..everyone was so sweet, and shared their own stories of life... And across the table a fellow mommy said, I am a heart nurse at Riley Children's hospital and know a lot about your daughters condition.

At that moment, I knew that it is true that someone, somewhere does put people into your life for some reason. Whether its to tell you it's ok, for support, to teach you a lesson or to stay forever.

Elmo, Fisher Price and the bathroom

I'm such a liar.

Camden: "Em..Em?"
Me: No, Cam, Elmo isn't on right now. He comes on at 10. (like he can tell time, let alone understand why his favorite TV show can't be seen)
Camden: grabbing the remote...."Em Em?"
Me: taking the remote and switching to Kelly and Michael.. No Cam, Elmo is on soon.


Every morning, 45 seconds after he is awake...that sweet voice asks for Elmo. I'm not entirely lying to him, Elmo for reals isn't on until 10 and Kelly and Michael is on at 9... But the dirty secret is, I have DVR'd the shitzuh out of Elmo for emergencies. (One of the "smart" things I have done while learning to be home alone with a toddler).

So, I could in theory put Elmo on.

I use the time when Camden eats breakfast to get a head start on my caffeine intake, in hopes that it will knock third trimesters sleepiness from my bones, and give me half a chance to have energy to hold Camden's attention for longer than 3.5 seconds. This is also the time that I watch Kelly Ripa and get my morning news. Normal stuff. This also contains him, plastic tray, straps, bliss.

The first and last time I am in control for the rest of the day.

So today I made a list of things I have learned about parenting, about myself, about my son, whilst he chucked chalk in my face and then smacked his own hand and said No, No, No in his sweet semi British accent he seems to have.

1. Being home with a toddler is hard.
2. Being home with a toddler when it's 2 degrees in harder.
3. Being home with a toddler when it's 2 degrees and pregnant is hardest.
4. You should never decide to have more children until you have witnessed a toddler in its natural habitat.
*lucky for us, our second was a surprise, so I can't shake my fist at my own self.


5. Kids are adorable for a reason. Seriously.

6. Nap times are GLORIOUS. Better than a lot of things.
7. Bed time is mandatory... Not a minute later. After the shenanigans that took place today, Camden won't see an hour and a half past his bed time again until he's 18.
8. Daily, 150 high schoolers would test me and I usually came back and won the battle, being all like HA take that...well 1 toddler tests me and then makes me feel like I have been surprised, round housed, and left feeling like the ass I am.
9. Kids are SMART.. Smart in the brain and in the mouth. Even at his age. Scary.
10. Bringing out any electronic will almost always cause a scene if you don't let the kid play with it. I mean a scene you would see with a person going through detox. An out of body experience.


11. I will never again know what it's like to go to to the bathroom alone. I didn't believe my mom friends who have tread these waters already.
12. I can't wait for Travis to get home... I actually get anxious when he's late.
13. A simple smile from my little man makes all of the above complaints seem a little easier to deal with :) not non existent, but easier.

14. Now I know why tons of moms in the 50s supposedly took Valium.


Tomorrow we look for little gyms or fun activities in the surrounding area. Camden needs some interaction and I need to sit down. Alone. In a mommy time out.

Only 12 more weeks until I have another kiddo who will light up my life in her own special way. And the way Camden is, and the way she moves... This lady needs to sleep now... While she can.


Hugs and love,
Megs

Queen of Hearts

The night before I get to see Andie, I can't sleep and I think no good thoughts. I start to get that sad, mad feeling that I felt for a week after Travis and I found out that our little angel would have a tough fight ahead of her. As the onion peels we are finding out more and more about what little miss has in store for us, and so far it's been nothing but optimistic news.

Last night was no different from the other appointment- eves. Nervous, mind wandering, the what if game, praying and pleading, and then becoming silent. Silent until the nervous joking begins. Being smiley is my coping mechanism and sometimes it exhausting.

Today was different in the fact that I would be at a new hospital with new doctors and new people to give me their diagnosis and prognosis (look mom, I can use big words now!!) My mother-in-law, Sam and I made our way to Indy to see what the doctors had to say. We met 5 glorious people, each awesome-er than the next, and one by one, they confirmed and validated that my daughter was going to be taken care of. As a mother, that is all you can hope for, that others have the same goal for your kiddo, to be successful and to be the best they can be, with the cards they have been dealt.

The thing I am struggling with is that there is nothing that I, MOM, can do when it comes to her heart. My heart aches every time I see her on the screen pushing against the ultrasound wand, telling these doctors to leave her alone. I have to sit there and let them push on her so that they can get a good look. I'm thankful that they are trying to get answers, but its a strange feeling. It's like when I take Camden to get shots.. Awful but necessary.

Today was weird because I was with high risk docs... They should be called high alert docs! They check everything and leave no rock unturned. Since this is the case, they brought back the thought of a chromosomal defect..aka downs, etc. Every time someone says that word in reference to my daughter it's like a punch to the gut. I thought we were in the clear because of the negative test results, but buckle your seat belt megarino...you don't know squat until she is born. Lesson learned today. It's time that I stop trying to wrap my brain around all of this, stop letting myself go to the dark places, and stop being so worried about the unknown. Parenthood is a mind screw, you do the best with your tool box that you were supplied with and you give all the love you can to your sweet babies.

This pregnancy has taught me a lot, and 99% of what I have to learn is still in the chapters to come. I just hope whatever Andie has in store for me, leaves me with enough hair that I can still style with my big and sexy spray and a minimal amount of wrinkles :)

Update: surgery is still after a year... The holes are moderate and minimal, and the leaky valves are minimal. Aortic arch is showing minimal signs of narrowing. Medicine seems to be in small doses after birth, and she is already 2.5 lbs. we visit every 2 weeks.

Grow Andie grow! Love momma.

One week down.... I need a nap

Well, we made it to Indiana a day late, apparently they get snow and a lot of it. So we packed up the jeep and the truck, and headed East. Camden was in his carseat surrounded by little pieces of our life from Illinois. Although it was incredibly bittersweet and difficult I knew the only pieces that mattered were the little boy in the back seat and the big boy in the truck in front of me.
I grew up being 5 minutes from every part of my family and seeing them whenever I wanted. When we moved to red bud I felt like I was 5 hours away and it killed me. Now that I really am 5 hours away its been an emotional roller coaster.

For 6 months I was without my husband and it was so hard. Only seeing him on the weekends was such a tease. Now that we are back together we are back in our first year of marriage again... Figuring out how to live together again.. That's a whole other post :-)

Camden is the one who we worry about... And he is perfect. As long as he has his mom, dad, Ollie, blanky, paci and crib he's good to go.

The first week being settled and alone with Camden was scary. I learned that being a stay at home mom is so hard. I mean real hard. You lose a sense of yourself and resort to Elmo and chicken fingers, oh, and the alphabet song! I've also learned that since I was at work, at class, etc Camden and I really haven't been mom and cam.. For a long period of time (since maternity leave). This makes me sad. I've been molding 140 "other people's kids" for nearly 5 years, and my little guy is just know learning from his mom. Tear.

My mom never stayed home with me, but I always felt like she had it together and wore 765 hats to get it all done. I have about 2 hats right now and I'm DAMN tired.

I've learned that I need to sloooooow down. Cherish every moment, the good, the bad and the ugly.

I have a lot of changing, growing up, and relaxing to do.

I feel I deserve a bag of Milano cookies for making it through the first week.... Don't mind if I do!!

Camden is such a cool kid and I thank all of the special people who helped him grow into the young dude he is today while I was at work!! The Bumblebeez staff, Tracy, Mom, Ma and Grammy, thank you!

-Love and hugs-
Megs

Andie Marie, I love thee.

Here I sit on this Thursday evening, really wanting to watch all 15 episodes of Real Housewives, Million Dollar Decorators, Intervention and Grey's Anatomy, but sometimes what you want isn't what you need. I need to write instead. As most of you know I am 1 class away from obtaining my Master's in School Counseling (GO ME! that's my personal cheerleader, thank you Meaghan!). During the program I have learned a lot, including coping skills, self talk, goal setting, and having realistic goals. As a person who gets counseling, it makes it even harder to be counseled...but my coping skill of choice is talking it out.. or writing it out tonight... begin story.

 

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have a great life. I am SEVERELY blessed, and I am not ashamed to say that. Most people are blessed, and you can see the "wonderfulness" on their face when they smile, the tone in their voice, when they are going about their daily business. All in all, people have really great days most days and an occasional bad day here and there. Those bad days I believe are what keeps us modest and honest.

 

Although I am no stranger to bad days, hard times, inconveniences, I have never had a horribly, awful, scare you to the bone, knock the wind out of you, flashback of your life, flash forward to the future type of experience.......................................until November 16, 2012.

This day I will never forget. ever.

 

Travis and I woke up early that morning to take Camden to the babysitter and then we came back to my parents house to get ready for the main event... GENDER REVEAL DAY! We guessed back and forth about if the baby was a girl or boy and our phones were alive with supportive text messages. We got ready.. I wore a pink sweater and a pink scarf to send pink vibes to my baby to become a girl.. because that's what sane people do. Trav and I went to 54th Street for lunch and then we made our way to the hospital to have our Ultrasound done.

 

Sitting in the waiting room I felt uneasy.. no one was nice on this day. I wanted to be like COME ON PEOPLE I FIND OUT THE SEX OF MY BABY.. don't be rude.. BE HAPPY! The ultrasound tech called us back and said are you finding out the sex.. DUH.. she said good, get on the table, lets go. Very matter of factly... so I did, and Travis sat next to me with his coffee and stared hopelessly at the screen (as did I). I looked over and said that I loved him.. and it began.

 

This is the femur, this is the spine, this is the head... BREECH.. boooo.. This is the.. blah blah blah... then she said.. are you ready... we both said YES and she said.. ITS A GIRL!!! I melted. Trav stayed quiet, but I know he melted too.  Awesome!! All I could think about was her and Camden being the best of friends and him defending her, and bows, cheerleading, sororities.. Travis chasing boys away.. etc. I thought to myself, OK thanks.. we will go now we got our news.

 

NOT SO FAST.

 

Then we started to hear things like... well shes a mover and shaker (duh.. shes going to be a dancer, cheerleader, president.. she has to be active).. I really cant get a good look..... if she doesn't cooperate we will have to bring the doctor in.....

 

tech leaves and gives me a potty break (1 hour in.... its almost been too long for an ultrasound...)

 

tech comes back in and looks at the same crap again.... "Is everything OK??" "Hunny, I have a lot to look at still"...... (I think to myself... False... LIAR!!!!)...... Tech leaves to go get the doctor.........

 

I sit up and look at Travis.... "Babe, something is wrong" He assures me that everything is OK, because hes my rock, and has to, but he knew too.. we both sat there.

 

The doctor came back in and started looking at baby girl... there was deafening silence. I could hear my heart in my head... the pulsing. what seemed like 5 hours ended and he turned all the machines off and pulled up a chair.

 

I sat up.. bracing myself, but for what??

 

"Your daughter has something wrong with her heart. I think its a defect called...... akdfjlakdfsjadsjf.........(he talks forever).........."this is normally associated with one of the Trisomy's" I begin to cry. Its a weird cry... Its an "I have to be strong cry, oh my god, I think I am going to pass out cry, a SHUT UP IVE HEARD ENOUGH cry".

 

Then I felt Travis's hand on my back. It was warm, it was shaking, and I knew this wasn't a nightmare or dream. It was real. I could feel something other than the vomit creeping up my throat, the air escaping my lungs, and the prickles on the back of my neck.

 

The doctor gave us "options" and since I was in outer space I had no recollection of what "options" he gave us. Travis and the doctor explained to me the different tests that he recommended, told us a little more about her sweet baby heart and then left us to our thoughts and the tech to draw blood.

 

It was now 430 on Friday afternoon, no doctor to call, and I was told that we would know if our daughter had Down Syndrome, Trisomy 18 or Trisomy 13 in 1-2 weeks and that the holiday (thanksgiving) would probably post pone the results, etc. They told us that we would have an echo cardiogram the following week to look at her heart to confirm what was going on.

 

It was the worst weekend of my life, and I am sure it was equally horrible for Travis. I got on the internet and started to research which was stupid, but when you have no answers, you look for them yourself. I spoke to a doctor friend of mine and he gave me peace of mind and I was able to be normal for about 3 hours before Travis left to go home. I wouldn't wish that sadness or scared-ness on my worst enemy.

 

My doctor called me that Monday and apologized for the news and assured me that we would have a better picture as each test came back. She was comforting, but never gave us false hope either. Tuesday Mom and I drove to Children's Hospital in St. Louis to see her heart. After 3 hours of ultrasound and being pushed on (by AMAZING doctors by the way) we had answer #1.

 

Atrioventricular Septal Defect- AVSD- Two holes in the septum of the heart. Confirmed.

 

Two amazing doctors came in and explained everything to me, and said that with surgery most children live normal lives, and there is usually only one surgery needed. They also told me scary things like feeding tubes, open heart surgery, stroke, medicine, pace maker, etc... but I heard NORMAL and I clung to that.

 

This sweet angel in my tummy was made like this.. this is what she knows.. this IS her normal.. and get ready momma.. this is YOUR normal.

 

I didn't cry at this appointment.. I kept my composure and walked out of that amazing hospital.. drove home, dropped my mom off and went for a drive.

 

If any of you know the feeling of losing it because you are so mad, so confused, so helpless.. I am sorry. I called my husband and lost it. absolutely lost it. How was this happening.. "WHY" I screamed.. "WHY"... I watched my daughter move around, donkey kick me, swallow the amniotic fluid, suck her thumb, and play in my tummy. How could she have such a hard road ahead. I told Travis all I could say about the defect over the phone, in between tears, screaming and sorrow.

 

Travis drove 4.5 hours to be with me that night and we sat together in my room and sorted through our thoughts. It was perfect. And we put our game faces on. It was time to be the parents.. to fight like hell for our daughter.

 

Answer #2. On the Monday after Thanksgiving, I received a call from the genetic counselor at MOBAP. Before I answered I prayed to God, Jesus, anyone that was listening and  answered the phone. She said "Meaghan, I have your results from your MaterniT21 test".. I pulled over on the side of the road because Camden was with me.."your results are all normal" I sobbed in relief. I thanked her and hung up. Immediately I called Travis and told him... "AWESOME" he said. I hadn't heard Travis that ecstatic in weeks, it was amazing.

 

As each answer is revealed we know a little bit more about our daughter. Had all of the results came back worse case scenario, I would have loved her just the same as I love her now and will love her as she grows up to be big and strong. A friend at work summed it up perfectly, she is a daughter, and because of that, she is going to keep you on your toes.. starting now until forever. At this point I am at peace with what her diagnosis is. I am not naive, and understand that things will probably get sucky again before they get better. All I know is that I have 18.5 weeks to get her as big and healthy as I can in my belly and prepare her for her life outside of me. This experience has made me realize that being a parent is some scary stuff, and has made me humble and appreciative for the little things.

 

I go to the doctor tomorrow and I am terrified. However, this tiny little girl reminds me always with each kick and roll that she is strong and ready to take on the world. I have really great days, and I also have really sad days. All of these days are in the book of Andie, therefore they are so very special to our family.

 

Travis and I finally named our baby girl: Andria Marie Krukemeier and she will be called, Andie.

 

Meet Andie:

xo

Meaghan